Something Cool

Two of these jumps actually made me hold my breath. Actually made me scared for a moment. Besides some of them being wicked cool, just the opening few seconds when a guy comes hurling by at fast speed in one of those flying squirrel suits is just damn cool.

Game On: Week of June 24

My recent column, where I reviewed Alice: Madness Returns and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Thanks to the Seattle Times for publishing.

What I've Read: IV

Ahh, the summer of Klosterman continues. I recently finished IV, which was another collection of essays. Some were original, but a great deal of the book was a collection of essays that he wrote while working for publications like Spin and Esquire.

Many of the topics once again verge all over the place. One section will talk about interviews and opinions of U2 and Brittany Spears, while later he delves into eating chicken mcnuggets for an entire week or watching VH1 for 24 hours straight. On the surface one could say it's a rehash of similar topics he wrote about in Killing Yourself to Live. But that would be too simplistic and dismissive of how he can infuse his personality traits into interviews and yet take a seemingly different topic like female tribute bands and relate them to larger discussions of society and longevity.

The highlight of most all his books has been the posing of questions. These are questions not connected to any essay or topic; instead just random questions he thinks up and often asks strangers in order to see if he'd consider being friends with them. They are always interesting head-scratchers; sometimes the answer I arrived at was black-and-white but rarely. Most of the time they provoked interesting debates within my own head, and I would love to have friends around just talking these out and debating them, but the odds of that happening are slim since we prefer drinking and just making fun of each other.

For instance, here are a couple that he poses. I didn't pick the best ones because I want others to read the books, but these are just a smattering of what you can expect. I think they're just damn intriguing to consider and discuss:

Scenario 1: You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But–somehow–this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though–you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

Scenario 2: Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that–for some reason–every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

Scenario 3: 4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called “super gorilla.” Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and–most notably–a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Scenario 4: You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear–for the rest of your life–sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

Trailer Love

As a household that relishes Pixar films, I have no doubt that the wife will want to see this post-haste when it is released. This is just a teaser trailer, but considering that it's co-directed by a woman (first time ever for an animated film), is based (apparently) in Ireland and an apparently badass female lead (a rarity in animated movies), I'm sure the household will unite around this film.

My Favorite Sport

It's still soccer. No two ways about it. And I think the NFL is a bunch of damn dirty fools for not allowing post-touchdown celebrations. Same for the NBA or even MLB. Sorry, but Ochocinco would kill to be able to pull off funny stuff like this, acting like a scuba diver. Great stuff. And this is the 1-bagillionth reason I wish I could live in Seattle. RFK just doesn't get this kind of vibe for United games. DC needs its own stadium.

Friday Funnies

Two weeks ago the wife and I decided to give Community a chance. To this point it's the one of two Thursday night comedy shows on NBC that I don't watch, and mainly because I didn't have the time to devote two hours on a Thursday night to TV. I got too much to do, and 30 Rock and The Office were the horses I rode in on.

But holy shit, I love this show. Behind Parks & Rec, it is officially my second favorite "I don't watch them live, because it's more fun to crash course through them in three days" TV shows. We've only watched season 1, but this show has fantastic characters, high comedy, irreverent winks and nods to movies and shows of my childhood, and of course someone I've adored all my life, Chevy Chase (even if he's 130 years old).

This show is so perfectly tailored for me that the wife, several times through our viewing of season 1, said, "I just don't know how this show can exist. It's too funny, and yet it seems only made to appeal to you and maybe five other people with your sense of humor." Maybe there are more of me than I think, but then again the ratings prove her right. It's not a wildly popular show, but then again neither was Arrested Development and that was pure genius also.

How oddly strange and beautiful is this show? They did a whole episode that was entirely about the campus becoming a giant paintball match. Let's just say Friends would have never tried to pull this off. But because it's Community, the episode (and all of them, quite frankly) are always a collection of one-liners and send-ups of Hollywood movies and past shows. The paintball episode we watched twice just because I had to try and count how many movies were referenced. It was a lot, and here is a funny clip from it.

Senor Chang as Chow Yun Fat (Luke would be proud):



And then there was the Halloween episode where Abed dressed and did a great Batman spoof.

Friday Funnies

Nothing like a little gay panic in the conservasphere.

Idiot of the Day

I've walked by five places of business in the last 24 hours that are all doing that same idiotic thing. They are blasting the air conditioning and propping the double doors to their establishment wide open when it's 87 degrees outside with 60% humidity. This is the kind of idiot behavior my mother scolded me about when I was 5 years old. "We're not trying to air condition the planet, honey," she would say. Of course, I don't think the 'honey' was included; it's is probably me trying to compensate for her more likely saying, 'idiot child of mine' or something to that effect.

What bothers me about this is that was more than 25 years ago. And in a world where we can all safely assume every establishment in the greater DC area has air conditioning (because this isn't 1961), I'm not entirely sure what enticement or big statement they are trying to make to potential customers. You'd have to walk within two feet of the open doors in order to ever-so briefly feel cold air coming out, at which point, is the expectation that someone will say, "holy shit, they have cold air, let's buy some ink cartridges!" Beyond that, all I could think of their meaning is "fuck the planet" but equally, "please buy a ream of paper, it's 100% post-recycled content." Oh, it also loudly screams, "We're idiots."

Game On: Week of June 17

My recent column, where I reviewed Infamous 2 and Hunted: The Demon's Forge. Thanks to the Sauk Valley Media in Illinois and the Nashua Telegraph for publishing. Sauk Valley is an outlet I haven't seen previously publish the column, so welcome to the club.

My Childhood, Bastardized

I sadly and dejectedly have to post the following trailer. I ranted about this movie almost one year ago to the day, and seeing this trailer renews my belief that Hollywood has no idea what they are doing. Of course, maybe they do, because there might just be a few million moronic teens who'll spend money on this shitshow of a movie and make them their money back, which means it's fair game on anything made from my childhood. They start remaking Ferris Bueller or the Airplane! movies and I'm moving to a farm and making friends with a field of soybeans.

Anyway, the trailer for the Footloose remake is out and it looks, as one would imagine, completely ridiculous and stupid. It appears to be a nearly shot-for-shot remake of the Kevin Bacon movie except for the dance sequences, but shame on them for that. I can't believe they are selling people on a town where, in 2011, high schoolers (who all look like they're 28 years old) can find nothing better to do than hang out at a Sonic and drive old cars but somehow have access to krunk dance skills and techno house music. Yeah, makes perfect sense. I hate the world sometimes.

Tags: Movie Trailers, Movies Blog

What I've Read (sorta): Bossypants

Last weekend was my Aunt Honora's wedding. It was a fine affair. Splendid weather, good food, the chance to see my grandmother and other New Jersey family folks, and even the miscall stylings of a belligerent DJ who decided to cater to the 8% of attendees under the age of 30 and treat a noon wedding like an all-night rave. OK, so the DJ was kind of a pain in the ass. But I digress, it was overall a most wonderful time.

The drive to NJ was punctuated by a car ride tradition, the audio book. This time out, we listened to Tina Fey read her autobiography/memoir/life lessons/career guide/all-around funnybook, Bossypants.

We're big Tine Fey supporters here in my household. Her time on SNL doing Weekend Update and a few random skits were the only things I bothered paying attention to during her SNL time. I have always been a huge 30 Rock fan, as evidenced by it's appearance several times in the Friday Funnies. And the wife naturally became a huge fan three years ago during the whole Sarah Palin impersonation bits during the '08 election.

The appeal of Bossypants can be best summed up by the wife. She loves that it's a book about a star female comedian (a small club) and successful women who runs a Hollywood show (another small club). She loves that Fey doesn't want to explain her scar and doesn't feel she has to in order to be accepted and understood. She loves that Fey openly mocks the lookism and sexism of the workplace and Hollywood, and challenges the still-too-often held belief that women can't be funny without men guiding them. There's a lot to Fey, and we enjoyed it all. So much that the wife read the book, then sat cheerfully for 5 hours and listened the book all over again just so she could hear Fey read it herself. I think that makes her a fan. A good read for men and (especially) women, so I recommend checking it out.

My Ireland Vacation

When I went to Ireland with Dan and Luke back in March, there were several must-do things we had on the list. Ranking high was drinking copious amounts of Guinness, since much of it is brewed in downtown Dublin. As soon as Dan and I got off the plane and hurled our luggage into our hotel room, we practically ran into the city centre to find a decent-looking pub for a pint. We ended up at The Old Stand. We watched live rugby on the TV, Dan ate Irish Stew and I heartily consumed Guinness and Beef Casserole. The photo of my first (of five) Guinness pints during that lunch. It was, by far, one of the best beginnings to a vacation I've had.

Game On: Week of June 10

Here is my recent column reviewing Red Faction: Armageddon and Operation Flashpoint: Red River. Thanks to the Seattle Times and New Jersey Herald for publishing.

Idiot of the Day

Not sure if this qualifies as Idiot or Pure Genius. I'll let you decide.

I normally can ignore all the inane ads that are posted on websites. I'm not looking to buy a car or learn about vacationing to somewhere I can't afford or whatever crap a given ad is peddling. After years of training, I've gotten good at looking past the ads, reading the content I actually came for, and leaving.

That is, until I was reading a HuffPo story about Hilary Clinton wanting to potentially run the World Bank. After a few graphs, HuffPo likes to break up its content with a shitty ad, which (as I said) I normally blast right past. But the one on this story caught my attention.


Now I gotta say, if there is a way to have shirtless women shove their heads up a woman's dress and achieve long-lasting sleep, then they need a Noble Prize for Economics. Guys know this works, it's called porn. I didn't click on the ad, but it's brought to you by Health Headlines, which is either run by drunken lemurs or the most brilliant and underrated advertising firm I've ever seen. Oh, and I love the bad photoshop job of pasting the face of someone's grandpa onto a steroid user's body. That's not even close to real.

Friday Funnies

Luke and I share a weird fascination with QTips. Not sure why, but in college both of us discovered there are few things as satisfying as cleaning your ear canals. What can I say, I'm an idiot. Anyway, while cleaning my ears this morning I stared at myself in the mirror and instantly flashed to Lane Meyer trying to off himself hilariously in Better Off Dead. Thus, we have our inspiration for this week's Friday Funnies.

First up, one of the more underrated characters in the movie, the creepy Ricky. Fucking clowns. I hate them.



I used to use the next quote when I was in high school and college, and no one ever got it. To hell with them, it was a funny moment. And I'm still pissed some uncreative hack stole the exact line and then reused it in that shitty Charlie Sheen/Emilio Estevez movie about garbage men.



And lastly, the wife still to this day won't bring home a baguette without asking if I want some FRAUNCH BREAD.

Game On: Week of June 3

Here is my recent column, reviewing L.A. Noire and MX vs. ATV Alive. Thanks to the Seattle Times for publishing.

Idiot of the Day

Holy crap. I hate NASCAR, and this just helps me enjoy that hatred that much more. If you can't wait, fast forward to the 7-minute mark. That's when the Oscar gets handed out.

Greening My Mother

OK, I really hate using this title on this particular post, but I guess I made this bed with my eco-themed series, so I gotta sleep in it. This post is about underwear.

About two years ago I came across a situation Jerry Seinfeld put adequately. This meant it was time for replacements. I did some searching, and sure enough there was a company that was making underwear from organic cotton with the proceeds going toward missions like the Sierra Club, EarthSpark and many others that aligned nicely with my politics. Instead of just signing petitions, I could once again vote with my wallet.

So now I'm passing this one along to the masses. Pact is fantastic. Sure, like most upstart eco/green companies, their products are definitely more expensive than others, but nobody overhauls their entire drawer of knickers in one go. It's an iterative process, which makes getting a pair here and there easily manageable.


I ignore most of the weird patterned crap and just stick to the basics, but for those with varying tastes, they have just about any you want. Yeah, that's as far as I'm going with the whole underwear description thing. Instead I'll quickly shift over to the awesome pricing structure they have created. You see, if you are an employee of a 501(c)(3) nonprofit, certified B Corp, or a K-12 educator, you can sign up for their Everyday Hero program, and get 50% off all their products ... for life. It's awesome (plus I'll selfishly admit to getting a discount if you mention my referral). I got accepted and it makes a nice dent in the charges, plus as they say, "Many of you make similar decisions by choosing careers where service is secondary to salary. As our thanks for choosing a profession that serves the greater good, but may not always serve the good of your savings account, we'd like to make PACT products a little more affordable through our Everyday Hero program" It's awesome that they make a commitment to those who care about their products but may not easily be able to afford them.

They also do other cool things like organize Flesh Mobs (nice title) and do lots of good sales throughout the year to encourage purchases for cheaper prices. I hope you'll ignore the whole "greening my mother" aspect of the post and instead focus on the cool and thoughtful way you can make a change in your life and the planet by making such a simple decision and what kind of drawers you got on. As Pact says, change starts with your underwear. Nice slogan, and it works.

Idiot of the Day

I loathe the entire existence of cellphones in movie theaters. I hate it. I can't stand the texting. I can't stand the talking during the movie. I've only been OK with it in two instances, and both those movies were named Jackass and it was only because the whole theater was talking shit and having a loud, good time. Every other time, fuck you and stop disturbing my 2 hours of peace and quiet while I just try to appreciate a film. I recognize I'm not always paying to watch hifalutin French artsy stuff, sometimes I need a good comic book movie or something, but I still want the damn quiet.

Anyway, it seems the famous Alamo Drafthouse has a strict no texting, no talking rule. And they don't take excuses. They bust you, and you're gone. No refund. They can do this because they are not a bullshit chain like Loew's and AMC. Of course, because this are independently owned, they can do funny stuff like take a pissed-off voicemail from an irate chick who got bounced and make a PSA out of it that they now run in front of all their movies. Love it. So remember, idiots, sometimes you run into people with better senses of humor than you, and it's why (as Jerry Seinfeld always said) you never mess with a comedian because they can always get the last (and better) laugh.

Man Card Member, No. 404693

The new member of the Man Card Membership is Molly's cousin Jon. For years the guy has dutifully driven his fiance from Kentucky to DC in order (usually) to haul furniture either to or from the house based on the needs of my mother-in-law. It's a yeoman's effort he puts in, but on this particular trip he went beyond the call of duty.

The man built us a deer fence for our garden which for the last two years has been pummeled by those damn deer. It may look crude in construction, but it works and we didn't have to use concertina wire or land mines to keep bambi and his friends away. The wife was firmly in favor of the concertina wire and land mines, by the way. It took a couple serious talks to get her off that ledge. She was ready for blood.

Anyway, Jon (with noble assists from the wife and his fiance Claire) did all of this while I was 25 miles away golfing. It was 100 degrees outside, which meant I was suffering as well (even if it was on the putting green). I say he earned his place in the Man Card Club. Well done, sir, and welcome to the club. Hope the pizza and beer was enough of a payment for your services.