My Childhood Bastardized

And the hits keep on coming from Hollywood. They are continuing to dip into the well of my childhood (or near-childhood, at least) and take things that I remember and sometimes deeply appreciate and mock sad mockeries or interpretations out of them.

First up is Carrie. This movie doesn't come out until 2013, but let's be clear … it's already been out before. Sissy Spacek rocked the pig's blood dye job, and Travolta even has some appearances. Of course, it's much more remarkable for Piper Laurie's performance as Carrie's cracked-out mother, who makes freakouts over wire hangers look like an innocent bake sale. I like Chloe Moretz and I kinda hope this movie does OK, but I have so little faith in remakes these days that I have little hope for this one.



Next is Evil Dead. This may be the greatest movie of the year or the decade, but to me it's an abomination. Honestly, go the "kids trapped in a cabin that turns into a hellhole" storyline and just call it something else. And I don't give two shits that Sam Raimi is behind this retelling of his classic. There is just no reason to invoke the name and all that is holy with Ash and that character and that run of cult classics. Yes, I may be a little too passionate about Evil Dead, Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness, but that still doesn't stop this "remake" from appearing like a gory cashgrab.

Shit That Should Not Be

You all know that I don't read much fiction, but the few authors I do read, I revere. One of them is Lee Child, and his Jack Reacher novels. Reacher is a badass. An ex-MP officer who strikes fear in the hearts of those who wrong others, and is not afraid to put hands on someone who doesn't do right by whatever community he happens to be traveling through.

Look, I laughed a little when the wife's favorite series of books got turned into a Hollywood shitshow. But this is different. This time its my books (well, hers too, since she loves Reacher as much as I do) that are getting messed with, and I'm peeved. Tom Cruise is shorter than my sister I think, and the idea of him playing a 6-5, ass-kicking MP officer sets my teeth on edge. My dog cuts a more imposing figure than Cruise does. And this trailer convinces me that Hollywood is out to destroy anything I hold dear (well, unless it's a comic book movie, in which case they are more often than not knocking those our of the park).



Oh, and I've always had a little crush on Rosmand Pike. So that she's in this movie is probably the only plus going for it. But this movie had such easy potential, and they ruined it. And now it is shit that should not be. And I sure as hell won't be giving Cruise a dime of my money.

Friday Funnies

Don't ask how I came across this stunning clip of Arnold Schwazenhoweverthehellyouspellhisname. The key portion of this fantastically hilarious bad acting comes late in the clip when Arnold decides to literally shake this woman to death. This isn't comedy in the Judd Apatow sense of the word. More in the "holy shit someone thought this guy had acting chops" kinda way. This poor woman's neck. I just hope they nailed this on the first take (I mean, he did have his eyes closed the whole time, so who knows if he banged into something and had to go again).

My Childhood, Bastardized

I sadly and dejectedly have to post the following trailer. I ranted about this movie almost one year ago to the day, and seeing this trailer renews my belief that Hollywood has no idea what they are doing. Of course, maybe they do, because there might just be a few million moronic teens who'll spend money on this shitshow of a movie and make them their money back, which means it's fair game on anything made from my childhood. They start remaking Ferris Bueller or the Airplane! movies and I'm moving to a farm and making friends with a field of soybeans.

Anyway, the trailer for the Footloose remake is out and it looks, as one would imagine, completely ridiculous and stupid. It appears to be a nearly shot-for-shot remake of the Kevin Bacon movie except for the dance sequences, but shame on them for that. I can't believe they are selling people on a town where, in 2011, high schoolers (who all look like they're 28 years old) can find nothing better to do than hang out at a Sonic and drive old cars but somehow have access to krunk dance skills and techno house music. Yeah, makes perfect sense. I hate the world sometimes.

Tags: Movie Trailers, Movies Blog