My Fear of This Food

Look, I try to eat well. I'm not the best, and I have my vices (pretzels, pretzels and pretzels). I also like to partake or my ribs recipe and the good taste of bourbon. I also like to enjoy the fact that living in DC allows me to never (in the 10 years I've been here) have to eat at a chain restaurant and if that makes me sound elitist then I'll gladly take that bullet. But there are times that I honestly don't understand people and the food they eat.

Today I learned of four new foods out there on the market, and they go beyond the pale of just laughably disgusting. Because just like that piece of shit chicken sandwich that KFC came up with, you have to remember that these places research and focus group the hell out of this stuff. And there is no way they are putting out this horse feces (which is what this stuff reads like) without already knowing there is a heavy dose of jackasses (probably all in Kentucky and Ohio) that will lap it up and ask for more.

Here are the offenders that make me weep for the human race:

Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt with wavy fries and marinara
1,260 calories
63 g fat (21 g saturated, 1 g trans)
3,010 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 18 T.G.I. Friday’s Frozen Cheddar & Bacon Potato Skins

Fried cheese inside a grilled cheese? Come on, that's just ruining a perfectly good grilled cheese. Not that I can imagine a Denny's grilled cheese being particularly good (definitely not better than the ones my mom makes), but why throw soggy fried cheese inside of it? That is just messed up.

Friendly’s Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt
1,500 calories
97 g fat (38 g saturated)
2,090 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 15 Snickers Kudos Granola Bars

This is one of the biggest offenders I have ever seen. This almost puts that KFC chicken sandwich to shame. Looking at that picture, you want to smack whoever sees this thing and says, 'hey, there's 1/8th an inch of tomato on there, that's healthy!' Or maybe they use wheat bread on those grilled cheeses, but I'm doubting it. Plus, I love anything that makes you say, "wow, I might as well eat 15 snickers bars in one setting."

Uno Chicago Grill Lobster BLT Thin Crust Pizza
1,530 calories
87 g fat (30 g saturated)
3,480 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 51 Nabisco Ginger Snap Cookies

Again, go ahead and sit down. Then open up a pack of Nabisco's and eat 51 straight in an hour or less. Go for it. I love lobster, and DC right now is loving this lobster truck that makes apparently fantastic lobster rolls (people wait in line for more than an hour for one -- I bailed after waiting 30 minutes and the line never moved), but there is no way I am taking this on.

Applebee’s Provolone-Stuffed Meatballs with Fettuccine
1,550 calories
97 g fat (46 g saturated)
3,910 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 148 Whoppers Malted Milk Balls

Applebee's, the food your arteries fear. Because much like the Olive Garden, you know this place's goal is to pump you full of stuff you don't need this much of, and can't properly digest either. Kelly loves Sour Patch Kids and Skittles, but I don't think even he could eat 148 of either in less than an hour. I think that's a challenge actually. I want to see Kelly devour 148 Skittles in less than an hour. I know he can do it, but I think seeing it might make me throw up.

My First Day in Combat

Last weekend was man weekend. In the world of people being married and people having kids and people not living in DC and so on, weekends like this only happen once or twice a year. So when it does, you want to do it up right.

The impetus of this was our fantasy football draft. We've always hoped for all 12 owners to get together in one place, but for grown men with all the symptoms I described above, it's just not a guarantee. Like, ever. So when we were able to get Luke to fly in from the bluegrass and Jack to roll down from NYC, that meant 8 of us were together and that equalled good times.

Besides the draft itself, the highlight was Saturday morning's paintball. For most of us, including yours truly, this was my first time playing paintball, though I've always wanted to play. More than one person was more concerned whether I could survive the outing without an injury. When Luke arrived, he had the brilliant idea to hit up a local Army surplus store and buy some fatigues for the event. Because nothing says oxymoron more than me + camo gear + a gun of any sort. And as you can see, with some knock-off aviator glasses, I was rocking that gear and was ready to throw some rounds down range (apparently that is the proper lingo).

We went to this awesome spot in VA called Hogback Mountain. Big props to our ref Richard who was a cool dude and helped a bunch of us make sure we didn't make total fools of ourselves. Some highlights of the matches:

• Dave was the assassin. He was uber-aggressive and it paid off. There was one match where he took out the entire opposing team while the rest of us were just getting settled.


• Mike was Mr. Clean. That guy barely had a splotch of paint on him. Naturally we all hated him for it.


• Kelly was the hustle man. Poor bastard rolled and ran all over trying to be the best soldier he could. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it went poorly.


• One of those times allowed me to capture Shot of the Day. In one map, I threaded a paintball shot through a tiny window in a wall and nailed Kelly right in the mask where his left eye is. It was an awesome shot and made the whole thing worthwhile.


• On the flipside, I probably took the hardest shot of the day. In just our second match of the day, Kelly sent me on a suicide mission where I got destroyed by the four members of the opposing team. After I took a shot to the scalp and was eliminated, Dave ran up to me and accidentally shot me in the stomach from about 3 feet away. Holy shit that hurt.


• Dan and Jack nearly vomited about 14 times during the day. Maybe drinking a ton of bourbon and smoking cigars the night
  before was a bad choice considering everyone had a 9 a.m. start time an hour away from DC. It was awesome watching them turn white after a couple matches where running and gunning were important.

All-in-all, an awesome time. And we definitely plan on hitting it up again, just when the weather is a bit cooler and we don't all feel like we've lost 25 pounds in sweat weight.

Game On: Week of Aug. 20

Here is my column from last week. The games I reviewed were Castlevania: Harmony of Despair and Commander: Conquest of the Americas. Big thanks to the Casper (Wyo.) Star-Tribune for running the column.

Friday Funnies

The Kids in the Hall make a triumphant return to television this weekend on IFC. Eight whole hours of comedy goodness. The Kids in the Hall was something I would watch on HBO and later on Comedy Central and damnit if those Canadian bastards weren't some of the finest sketch comedy out there. Yeah, I still think they kick SNL's ass.

The biggest name from the troupe was Dave Foley, who I followed along when he did arguably my favorite TV show of all time, Newsradio. Anyway, to honor their return, here are some clips to begin your weekend.

Skora, the Gentle Shark


Daddy Drinks!


Mass Murdering Can be Such a Chore

Idiot of the Day

I think we have our winner of Worst Dad of the Year Award. This is Antonio Cromartie of the NY Jets. He makes a lot of money. Ladies might want to stay away from him.

Christmas in July

Yeah, I know it's August, but I'm tardy sometimes with posting things.

For my birthday, the wife finally came through with my Christmas present. Yeah, so only 7 months late. But who's counting?

We've been talking about getting into riding bikes (because we've both loved watching the Tour de France for a decade or more) and kayaking for about two years, and finally we decided to start doing something about it. So the weekend after my birthday, we went and bought my Christmas present. Yeah, go figure.

Don't bother asking me what style and the specs for my bike (but this seems to be it). I have no damn clue. All I know is that it works, it was made by Trek, it's a hybrid (mountain bike and road bike combo), it's comfortable and it's silver. That's about all I got. Luke jokingly claims that this bike has now entered me into a cult of bike riders who end up buying tons of shit that you never thought you would buy. I think he's full of it, but I can see what he means.

I have occasionally found myself looking up some bike shoes (I've got this fear of my shoe laces getting caught in the gears and having my legs mauled), but damnit if they are way too crazy looking. I did have to spring for some of those shorts with the padding in the rear because after about 12 miles my ass was killing me. But have no fear, Kelly, there are no jerseys and no skin-tight outfits for me, but thanks for jumping to that conclusion.

Now, I love this bike. And I love riding it. Our neighborhood has about 8 entry points to a ton of different bike paths that loop all over the city and I love it. I'm not nearly the rider the wife is, however; shit, she blasts up and down hills like she's on Stage 17 of the Tour. Me, I'm huffing and puffing all the way up that hill. Clearly he thrice-weekly spinning classes are giving her a distinct advantage here. That, and I'm now thinking she bought the bikes as punishment because I would have run laps around her in a recent 5k had I not been a chivalrous guy.

So I'm liking the bike. And I'm awaiting 2012 to see what she gets me for this year's birthday.

Game On: Week of Aug. 13

Here is my column from last week. The games I reviewed were Madden 11 and Clash of the Titans. Big thanks to the TC Palm papers for publishing the column.

Game On: Week of Aug. 8

Here is my column from two weeks back also. The games I reviewed were Limbo and Tournament of Legends. Have to say, for those of you who haven't played it yet, Limbo is one of the best and most fascinating games I have played in awhile. Highly recommend that one, folks. Big thanks to the Seattle Times for running the column.

Game On: Week of Aug. 6

Here is my column from two weeks ago. The games I reviewed were Singularity and Crackdown 2. Big thanks to Nashua Telegraph, who have gone so far as to publish all my columns together on their own dedicated page. Appreciate the love, Nashua.

Friday Funnies

Tomorrow is Kelly's birthday, and though he's turning a tender 87 years old, he still has the mind of a child. Good for you, pal. In your honor, a special Friday Funnies just for you. One of your favorites.