Idiot of the Day

All I wanted to do was pick up a pizza.

Normally I am fine with letting parents do what they have to do to keep a kid entertained. My dog has a longer attention span than a young kid so I understand you gotta do whatever it takes to keep the kid from causing all holy hell and throw a tantrum of King Kong-level proportions.

What I cannot handle is a parent BECOMING a child in order to entertain a child, thus removing your reason for being, which is being a parent and keeping things chill.

Take this lady. I was picking up a pizza at my local pizza joint and while I waited for the pie to be boxed and so forth, I could hear this incessant banging of silverware on plates and tables. I turned to quietly scorn a small child with my hate eyes, when lo and behold it was the kid's damn mother. The kid didn't seem interested in whatever musical creations she was hammering out, but by golly she kept on going. She was doing her best Animal from the Muppets impersonation, while everyone else around her were either laughing at them or just hoping the check would arrive faster.

Idiot of the Day

Just so you know, I wasn't crazy when I pointed out this guy last week. See, he's back at it again. I can't escape his insanity. Although I did respect the fact that later on in the ride he actually leaned up against the door of the train. Just him and his sudoku, trying his damndest to not touch anything, but in a natural twist it means he instead bumped into everything but the third rail.

Idiot of the Day

Oh yeah, I love you all that much I'm bringing you another post today.

This idiot has been on my radar for some time now. As a 12-year resident of DC, I'd like to think I've seen all manner of Metro rail passengers. The sleepers, the talkers, the singers, the panhandlers, the almost-nekked, etc. This guy dipped into the rarified realm of being an adult acting like a child.

Many children, especially those of tourist parents, will do what he did when riding the train. They'll stand and avoid holding any of the rails or handles and attempt to ride the train like it's a surfboard. Makes no sense, and 90% of the time they end up banging into a rail, or worse, crashing into someone minding their own business because like anything in life, the Metro trains are completely unpredictable. Drivers ride the breaks like a speed addict, and there are subtle tilts and shifts in the way the trains ride the rails (or don't ride the rails depending on your view of the cluster-eff that is Metro).

Anyway, as I've said, this guy likes to act like a child and not brace himself at any point during his ride. Maybe he's like a Murray or Nicholson character, but that's not a worthy excuse, because if you are that fearful of contracting plague, best thing to do is not board a metal tube of potential sick. But that didn't stop him from being an idiot, constantly bopping around and smacking into both rails, train car walls and people. It was ridiculous if not for its hilarity since this was a grown man acting the fool than for the other passengers who watched this dipshit also try to work his Blackberry while this was all happening. It was horrible. He is an idiot. Can't wait to see him again next week.

Friday Funnies

I love the Olympics. The wife and I have been spending much of the last two weeks watching the Olympic trials, getting to know names and faces of athletes so we know who to cheer for in a few weeks when the London Games begin. Get me random athletes competing in even more random sports all for the love of country, and I'm sold. And as many of my friends know, I have a not-so-secret desire to quit everything and become the next great Olympic curler for the United States. Or any country for that matter. Hell, I'll join any nation that wants to channel this passion and let me become a curler. Sign me up, Zimbabwe!

I can at least say that I would try harder and put forth a better effort than this jackass. I vacillated over whether to make this an Idiot of the Day post, but I found myself laughing more than facepalming. With that, I bestow upon you the joy that is the lest competent hurdler ever. If they picked a drunken cat from the crowd I think it would have fared better.

Idiot of the Day

I value my train ride into the office each morning. I want peace and quiet. I guess if I really wanted it I would drive a car and be alone, but I care about the planet and all that jazz. So instead, all I want is to read my book and gear up for the day's work.

But there are mornings like this morning that just piss me off. Here is this idiot, who decides she wants to carry on a full-blown conversation with the guy sitting behind me. But of course she wants to talk at a volume that could be heard at the other end of the fucking Red Line. And what the hell, people? It's not like you had to talk five rows apart. She had an open seat right next to her. He had an open seat right next to him. How about taking it and keeping down you damn fools? Metro must hire these people so they can make sure no commute is truly relaxing and easy.

I hate people sometimes.

Idiot of the Day

Let's all say it together ... doughnut. It's called a doughnut, you idiot. Good grief. Is there anything stressful about this situation that would cause someone to blank this much? Hope we don't have to see how he handles an oval office meeting when he can't identify the nation on a map that he wants to bomb. What an idiot.

Idiot of the Day

I got on the Metro the other day and this fool was sitting there with three piping hot pizza pies resting on his lap, drumming his fingers loudly while staring ahead. It was a bold "I'm announcing my presence with hot, fresh, good-smelling food" and at the same time "I'm peeing in a semicircle to mark my territory like a momma lion feeding her cubs a recently killed gazelle" kind of move. I was impressed with his cojones, until I spied the four ravenous-looking teenagers that more closely resembled zombies after the meatsuits wore off (2:30 mark)) in the Walking Dead. Not saying he couldn't have survived, but then again, an idiot shouldn't bring that much food on a train without expecting questionable glances. Idiot could have taken a cab.

Idiot of the Day

It’s been a long time since I last gave you fair readers an Idiot of the Day but I have a great one for you from my recent vacation to the West Coast.

Our flight from Baltimore to Las Vegas was a special one because of this lady who decided she was going to go out of her way to epically disturb everyone within three rows of her in their own special way. She also made me firmly believe that Grey Gardens is now a traveling show. From here on out, I’m calling her GGL (Grey Gardens Lady).

She sat on the aisle with two seats to her left. I sat on the aisle across from GGL with two people to my right. Here’s a breakdown of her idiotness affecting us all.

Guy in window seat, her aisle: This dumbass thought it great to bring up the fact that he owned a cat just like her. How does he know this? GGL brought the damned beast onto the plane and crammed it in a travel case too small for its wide girth and so it meowed and yammered nearly the whole flight. He thought it was kinda cute for the first hour but that devolved by the time we passed over Missouri.

Woman in middle seat next to her: Already confined to the second-worst seat on the plane (first has to be any seat in the aisle near the back-of-the-plane bathroom) She suffered the most of anyone by any measure on the planet. It was a nightmare of Elm Street-ian proportions. GGL wouldn’t shut up the entire time and made her and the guy always climb over her instead of standing up and moving out of the way to let them get to the bathroom. And honestly, no words can describe how much GGL talked about shit that woman wanted no part of. When we all departed the plane, no fewer than eight passengers offered to buy her a drink at the nearest Vegas airport bar. At one point during the flight, my wife looked over and mouthed “I’m sorry” to the woman, who got big eyes and mouthed back “HELP ME.” I wish I were kidding.

The wife, seated next to me: Her fascination went into fever pitch when GGL decided it was time to spend 90 minutes applying makeup. In her seat. With no lights. Using a compact mirror as a guide. She may as well have been blindfolded. She wasn’t shy about applying many layers, many shades and many, many types of makeup. She had all this in a purse that she kept tucked between her legs and the cat for much of the flight.

Off-duty flight attendant, widow seat, my aisle: He kept assuring us that everything would be fine, that this woman couldn't possibly get the plane diverted unless she set the cat free or decided to throw a bigger fit when ...

On-duty flight attendant, roaming the plane: First, when the plane was taking off, GGL refused to take her three carryons and put them under her seat. Then she refused, once discovered that she had three carryons, to put at least two of them above her because, and I'm quoting directly here, "My gloves are in that bag, and I don't let my gloves away from me ever." Oh yeah, her gloves. Grey Gardens, people. Grey. Fucking. Gardens. Third, she decided as we landed that she should get up and start heading toward the door to exit. And I say "as we landed" because she had her seat unbuckled and was making a move to stand up as the pilots were still applying the brakes as we touched down. This ignited ...

Off-duty flight attendant, widow seat, my aisle: He snapped into a deep baritone and went all angry James Earl Jones or some shit and scared the hell out of her and a few other passengers with his "ma'am, sit down immediately and buckle that seat belt. I mean, immediately." It was awesome. GGL thought some random jackass was saying it, but when she shot a glance past me and saw it was from an in-uniform attendant, she huffed but sat still.

Last but not least, me: My favorite moment from her had to be when she suddenly became mobile and went to the bathroom. With the cat. And then didn't come out of the bathroom for 27 minutes. I timed it. I'm sure it was just a case of letting the cat out, but it's not like the bathroom is built like a spacious den. It's a airplane bathroom. As they say, you can love your pets, just don't love your pets. It was creepy. I'm just glad she didn't exit the bathroom smoking a cigarette.

Idiot of the Day

When I was back in Florida for my friend Molly's wedding, there were lots of good memories and reminders that I got about the things I liked about my time in the sunshine state. But naturally there were other reminders, once you looked past the warm weather and endless golf courses, of the bad things that state births. Like some annoying idiots.

At a golf tournament I attended with my pal Donna, I noticed this lady rolling herself around in one of those scooters that injured or extremely old people use. Except this lady was neither exceptionally old or remotely injured. She would roll her lazy ass up and down the fairways, then park the scooter wherever she damn well pleased. It was annoying to say the least, because she didn't give a shit for whose foot she ran over or shin she rammed into, as long as it meant she didn't have to walk to the garbage can or wait for people to get out of her fucking way.

The classiest move was parking her scooter in the pathway, walking up to watch someone tee off, then hauling ass in her scooter to the green to score the best seat possible. Oh, and she made it easy to hate on her, since she made it abundantly clear that she didn't exactly need the scooter for health reasons.


No, she didn't need it. She was just being an idiot.

Idiot of the Day

I was in Florida this past weekend for a great friend's wedding, but of course during my travels I encountered a few idiots, as they do have a tendency to produce many of them in the sunshine state.

This one I saw on a highway billboard. Vasectomies are no laughing matter, but I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw this dude's ad. No scalpel and no needles involved? Fantastic, except I can't help but think it means what he's not telling you is that his 17,000 vasectomies involve three guys holding you down while he just repeatedly kicks you in the crotch.

If you want more hilarity, you should check out the stunning website design he employs on his site. Compelling, and rich. Oh, and nice high school mugshot for the billboard.

Idiot of the Day

Yes, I think the lottery is stupid and wasteful thing. The odds are so stacked against you in the hopes of winning that I'd rather have people save that money or do something, anything more useful than just handing it over at the counter of some shitty corner store. But instead I walk past the door of the bodega outside my office building and there are always 20 people wrapped around the aisles waiting to hopelessly believe that their two dollars is going to make them a millionaire.

Take this idiot, for instance. It's one thing to play the lottery. It's another thing to be buying scratch-off lottery tickets from a vending machine at 5 in the morning at BWI. I snapped this guy while waiting for my flight to Hawaii a couple weeks ago. He bought one, scratched it off, lost (shocker), walked over to the nearby trash can and tossed it, walked back and started all over again. After the fourth or fifth instance of this I just wanted to shake him into higher consciousness or walk over to the bar and buy myself a drink.

Idiot of the Day

Holy crap. I hate NASCAR, and this just helps me enjoy that hatred that much more. If you can't wait, fast forward to the 7-minute mark. That's when the Oscar gets handed out.

Idiot of the Day

I loathe the entire existence of cellphones in movie theaters. I hate it. I can't stand the texting. I can't stand the talking during the movie. I've only been OK with it in two instances, and both those movies were named Jackass and it was only because the whole theater was talking shit and having a loud, good time. Every other time, fuck you and stop disturbing my 2 hours of peace and quiet while I just try to appreciate a film. I recognize I'm not always paying to watch hifalutin French artsy stuff, sometimes I need a good comic book movie or something, but I still want the damn quiet.

Anyway, it seems the famous Alamo Drafthouse has a strict no texting, no talking rule. And they don't take excuses. They bust you, and you're gone. No refund. They can do this because they are not a bullshit chain like Loew's and AMC. Of course, because this are independently owned, they can do funny stuff like take a pissed-off voicemail from an irate chick who got bounced and make a PSA out of it that they now run in front of all their movies. Love it. So remember, idiots, sometimes you run into people with better senses of humor than you, and it's why (as Jerry Seinfeld always said) you never mess with a comedian because they can always get the last (and better) laugh.

Idiot of the Day

A couple week's ago Kelly and I went to a Nationals game, and while the baseball action itself was pretty good (some HRs, a frickin crazy over-the-shoulder diving catch by some guy on the DC team, late-inning heroics, etc.), perhaps the true star of the game was this idiot.

I get that people come to baseball games and drink, but this guy was hammered and was acting the fool all over the place. He was embarrassing his friends (one of which seemed to be a lady friend, who may not be friendly toward him any longer). He accosted a group of young tourists on their class trip for leaving the game early. He was derided by just about everyone in the section, which was fun for everyone who wasn't him. Good times. Oh, and to top it all off, during one of the breaks in innings, he decided to dance for everyone. I only ran down and caught a couple seconds, but trust me he had this routine going for a solid two minutes. And he had more gel in his hair than the teacher from Glee. Oh, and he was wearing a button-up cardigan sweater over his shirt. Oh, I am out of 'ohs.' Idiot.



A bonus Idiot of the Day shoutout goes to Nationals Park, which has a sorry state of soft serve ice cream options. I only noticed one, and they didn't even sell the ice cream in those miniature helmets. I play the bullshit card on that one.

Idiot of the Day

It's Derby Day, which means besides horses, I have drinking on the brain. Of all the things I enjoyed about my trip to Ireland, naturally the copious amounts of drinking ranks high on the list.

We averaged about 7-9 Guinness pints per day, which would have been higher had we not spent so much time driving all over the country.

When we returned to Dublin toward the end of the trip, that was when this idiot entered my life. She sat with her friend at the next table and Dan and I could not help but laugh at her for being Irish and ordering a Coors Light ... ON THE ROCKS. Seriously? A light American beer poured over ice? Because the mountain cold freshness didn't possess enough cold water for you? You disgrace the Irish people, lady! Idiot!

Idiot of the Day

When Kelly and I went and saw The Pains of Being Pure at Heart in concert a few weeks back, we got there early enough to check out the opening act. I don't remember the band's name off the top of my head, nor am I going to hunt it down on the Internet because, frankly, they sucked. I mean REALLY sucked. Donald Trump hairstyle level of sucking. OK, it was probably worse than that.

In any case, the real reason I posted this is because of the band's bass player. At the start of the show, he was donning a letterman's jacket from either a high school or a college or something. I could have cared less, until three songs in he took it off to reveal the main portion of his on-stage attire:

A shiny, teal wife beater.

Oh yeah, it was frickin' laaaaame looking. If the letterman's jacket was some kind of clue to his outfit being a costume, I missed the point of it altogether. What I didn't miss was Kelly, Mike R., Mel B and I cracking awful jokes about him long after the shitty music of their's ended and the had left the stage. Note to rock band members: Don't wear metallic teal wife beaters. It's not going to get you laid, and that is the singular reason you are in your band to begin with. Idiot.

Idiot of the Day

How this guy has not shattered every ligament in his knees astounds me. I bet Kelly could do this, though. He's wicked flexible.

Idiot of the Day

Well it's Opening Day in the MLB, and that means it's Mike's last post of crazy MLB meltdowns. Enjoy.

Idiot of the Day

Mike came through once again with a quality MLB meltdown. This time, it's Hall of Famer Goose Gossage. No, not Maverick's Goose. The Yankees' Goose. And he's a little cooked in this video.

Idiot of the Day

My pal Mike is stoked about the start of baseball season. Sure, you all know me as the Pinko Commie Bastard Who Loves Soccer and Doesn't Care About Baseball, but his excitement over the start of the season is nice. If nothing else, he's exposing me to some hilarious meltdowns in baseball. I'm sharing them with you all as a gift. Because I care.