Maybe a Graphics Card of God Needed

As you may remember from my opening post, one of the other jobs I have is to review video games. I write a weekly column, and while I don't exactly make money off it, the hundreds of free games every year and free consoles and so forth definitely make a difference, so I don't complain. While I may not post every review of every game I play, I may share some of them when they are appropriate. My column is released each Tuesday, and normally I review 2-3 games per week. This week one of the reviews flowed like water, written in about 3 minutes. I think once you read it, you'll understand.

Legend: Hand of God
Platform: PC
Genre: Role-playing
Publisher: THQ
ESRB Rating: M for Mature
Grade: 0 stars

This may be one of the easiest reviews I will ever write. This is not because Legend: Hand of God was a breakaway hit or an outright failure. What makes it so easy to review this game is that I could not even get it started. Yes, that’s right, the game would never load.
It’s not like I took the disc, set it on the table and stared at it, hoping it would load itself. No, no. Trying to load it onto my PC was an absolute failure on many levels, and it’s all because for some reason Nvidia’s PhysX software – installed separately to make the game work – always crash my system and this rendered the game inoperable.
Failing to lose hope, I tried installing it on the machines of several friends and co-workers, figuring maybe it was just running into a bug since I test games all the time on my PC, so lord knows how many weird files are having a fireside chat in my hard drive. But this same thing happened on five other machines, and after encountering the same problem each time, I figured something was up.
Even with an entirely new disc (yes, I was not silly enough to think my disc could just be corrupted somehow), the problem persisted. At this point, I turned to the almighty Google and came across several message boards where a band of others were sharing my pain. Some even found a workaround, but by that point I was nearly too frustrated to care. I did finally get the bloody game to start, but I was so annoyed after nearly a week-and-a-half of failures that nothing the game was showing me made all the effort feel worthwhile.
I checked around and it sounds like you play in a fantasy world as this guy Targon. Sounds like a Periodic Table element, until I found out it’s actually a mouthwash for smokers. Wow, maybe the universe does make sense afterall. Just avoid this game, it’ll leave a nasty taste in your mouth.

You Got Krullers In There?

I'm not a morning person, so my routine is to get up, get clean, get clothed and get to work without much hassle. I work at Metro Center in downtown DC, so even when I am rolling off the train at 7:30 a.m., things are getting going in the big city. The Metro Center train stop is a huge hangout for musicians to play each day. Most of the time they are on a regular schedule (shitty panflutters on Monday, crazy religious guitarist on Tuesday, you get the picture). There are a couple jazz players who are actually pretty good, so those feel like bonus days. 

Last Friday I came up the escalator to what sounded like some decently played Coltrane. A bassist and sax player were doing their thing, and about 15 feet away a guy was selling doughnuts as part of some fundraising effort. Could have been for his sister's new kidney, might have been for a self-help book to teach his bird to sleep in the garage. Anything is possible. I walked into the Caribou Coffee next door (Starbucks can bite me) for a scone, because I was groggy and forgot my breakfast. 

Upon exiting said establishment, things got interesting. It seemed while jamming out to Coltrane, the bassist was having a problem with the doughnut guy (DG), whose "Buy some doughnuts! Fresh doughnuts right here!" was clearly ruining this duo's chance for a Carnegie Hall audition. DG clearly was not buying a CD from these guys, and he was trying to move product, so he just kept getting louder. I would have just continued on my way if not for crazy bassist (CB) losing his mind and thus screaming back that the DG's doughnuts were poisoned and he was using the money for drugs. Work could wait while I let this play out.

Sadly, cool sax dude (CS) decided to go into a free-form solo, which was great. DG and CB began their own duo, which was less like Coltrane and more like Jerseyites on a bender listening to Billy Joel or something. Just like Streisand and Diamond, these two had a duet of Grammy-winning proportions. 

"Your fucking music sucks, buy my doughnuts."

"Don't buy his doughnuts, he's a pedophile."

"A Mexican whore plays better music with her toes! Fresh Doughnuts!"

"You're buying boxed shit from a fucking pedophile homo."

I was in heaven. And I was not alone. A nice crowd had formed, one you're more likely to see give money to street dancers but instead were getting a first-rate lesson in small-business market dynamics. I don't know how it finished off, but as I turned the corner and made my way to work, I thought how much I enjoyed "Fucking Doughnut Shithead (The Blue Note Sessions)"  and hoped a CD would be for sale there next week.

This Pixelated Beginning

Hey everyone,

So for years family and friends have been griping at me for not sharing my work, reviews and general life thoughts on the Series of Tubes (aka the Internet). Well, I'm going to give it a shot and see how it goes and how long it takes for everyone to get sick of me and run this blog into the ground.

I called my blog This Pixelated Life because, well, after thinking about it I realized my life seems to be all about pixels. For those of you just catching on, I am a graphic designer in DC for a nonprofit. I also review video games in a weekly column that runs on several websites and newspapers across the world. And to top it all off, I take a lot of photos and fancy myself as a pretty decent photographer (though I am shamed by several friends who are much better at it than I am). So with those three things under my belt, I figured 95% of my life is spent working with pixels. Thus you have This Pixelated Life.

My idea for this blog is to share some slideshows of photography I've done, some thoughts on the gaming industry and games I have played, some reviews of books I read and movies I watch (my buddy Kelly will often claim I remember the most insane pieces of casting/plots/characters/quotes than he can imagine one person holding). And living in DC, there is always something f-ed up going on which I'll just need to share, so if you cannot handle the occasional cursing, this might not be the place for you.

Thanks for joining the show, I'll be back soon with some opening remarks. In particular, a morning showdown between a doughnut salesman and a jazz player. Yeah, I'm starting strong.