Friday, July 30, 2010

Friday Funnies

Going the stand-up comedy route this week. I'm a big Norm MacDonald fan. He cracks my shit up. Maybe it's because he goes stream-of-consciousness pretty much all the time with no filter. Maybe it's also because he seemingly is high at all times of the day. Maybe it's his delivery and his near inability to say anything with a straight face that makes me laugh. Either way, he kills it.

One of the best ever, he both saves this awful interview and slays Courtney Thorne-Smith's career all in about three minutes.



Just love that. She left Melrose Place for that movie? Damn.

Next up is him on The Daily Show. I couldn't find the original time he did this bit on smoking (it was on The Dennis Miller Live show ... find if you can, it makes me cry in laughter).

Thursday, July 29, 2010

My New Kicks

Had to buy new tennis shoes today. I had to because as I was walking across the parking lot to the grocery store, my right shoe literally fell apart. One step, fine. Next step, blam, the whole sole starts disconnecting from the rest of the shoe. It was crazy. Could not believe this happened like that. I felt like I was some bum who was wearing 15-year-old busted-ass shoes. Equally crazy, this is not the first time this has happened. Back when I was living in Tampa, I went to Busch Gardens one day and my flip flops melted away on the walkway. I blame the Florida sun. That shit was harsh. Nothing like having your footwear disintegrate before you eyes.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Idiot of the Day


This is what happens when bad mothering and Facebook collide. What an idiot. And I don't care what she says, that picture sure makes it look like that baby has held that thing before. Not helping your cause, sweetheart. Oh, it also doesn't help that she's from Florida. Sorry, but it's true. That place breeds crazy. I'm proud of my friends from there who have beaten back crazy and have lived normal, productive lives. Be happy, it doesn't happen to all.

At first I thought, "Damn, what an idiot!" But then I started thinking and realized that without Facebook, she would have just shown this photo to her backwards-ass friends who would have gotten their redneck laughs out of it and gone on livin. Maybe, just maybe, Facebook has been used for good here because that kid stands no chance in that household.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Idiot of the Day

So I got to try a new spot over in Columbia Heights called Social. It's a cool joint that serves good drinks and food dishes and has a nice vibe to it and fun seating. Anyway, I'm hanging out drinking my third mojito (a Campbell favorite) when this girl sits down at a nearby table with her back to me. And lo and behold, she's got a tattoo on the back of her neck. Whatever, I hate tattoos so so soooooo much, but I'm not going to get into that whole bit. What made this girl such an idiot was that her tattoo wasn't of a butterfly or a tribal mark or a rose or some other bullshit.

Nope, it was a tattoo of the DC Flag. Seriously, the DC Flag? I love DC and the city I've called home for the past 10 years, but that is just idiotic. That'll come in handy when she's working at a Wendy's in North Dakota. Then again, if I see a girl who goes through the trouble to tat the Michigan flag on her neck, I'll probably shake her hand.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday Funnies

When it's the anniversary of easily the saddest day of one's life, you do all you can to breathe, relax and try to find a laugh somewhere in the day. I'm not going to say any more except play one of his favorites. Nothing better than old men being goofy and Burgess Meredith talking about sex. The one below is good, but the best one is here, which I have to link to because the bastard disallowed embeds.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Trailer Love

For some reason this week a ton of movie trailers are being released for films I am interested in checking out. Can't let all this trailer goodiness go down with sharing it with all eight of you who read this blog.

First, the serious stuff. Countdown to Zero looks right in my wheelhouse of activist thought-pieces.



Next up is a goofy-looking action film. But anytime you get Helen Mirren shooting people to the sounds of a classic Aerosmith tune, you've at least peaked my interest.



This next one looks cool. I can't say I was a Ginsburg connoisseur or anything, but I've read Howl before and am familiar with a few other works of his. Plus I like some of the roles Franco has been doing these last 3-4 years.



One more and we're done, and this is for the uber-geek in me.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Idiot of the Day

First I'm gonna say that this was destined to be a disaster from the start. I think any normal-thinking person would realize that it's hard to navigate 35 moving objects. Maybe sticking 35 kids on a skate ramp was a dump idea. And what's up with Rip van Winkle running this joint? But the reporter is pure genius. I'll give you 2 seconds to think how this going to end.
He clearly never played Frogger. Idiot.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Fuck You, Deer

For months I have been planning a post about my garden. It rocked. I was growing three varieties of basil. I had 8 tomato plants kickin some ass. I had three zucchini plants a growin, plus two squashes to keep them company. Two bell pepper plants, two jalepenos, some swiss chard, lemongrass and rhubarb to boot. I was feeling a chest-thumping Man Card post coming along once the harvest really started coming in. An for awhile we reaped the benefits. But I held off knowing a big harvest was coming down the pike.

That is, until the motherfuckin deer came along.

I seen these bastards before, and up until last week I was a friend of Bambi and his pals. When they clopped along in my neighbor's yards and I watched them go about their merry deer way, I was fine with it. When they made weird deer-love sounds in the woods behind my condo at 3 a.m. back when we lived in Cleveland Park, I shook it off and went back to sleep. When my mom was in town a couple months ago and we watched five big-sized deer hop into our backyard and then laughed as Oliver chased them around, I laughed and thought it was cool. I thought we had an understanding.

But those sum-bitches done torn up my garden, and now it's on. One night like a pack of wolves they came over and chowed down. Ate damn near everything, and left some serious plant carnage that made the wife want to cry. That is, until pure rage overwhelmed her and now she's half-joked about building a tree blind and sniping these bastards.

So now it's all about keeping out the deer. We've found some good deer fences, and hopefully in a couple weeks we'll get her cousin to help set them up. We're trying some other preventative measures for now, but they've decimated the garden, so there is not much worth protecting. I may have to start meeting Kelly again for some Big Buck Hunter action to sharpen my skills.

Either way, it's on, deer. I wish Tommy Boy had killed you when he had the chance. And I know this guy always knows the right things to say when bagging on animals.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Funnies



Someone, anyone take the telephone away from Mel Gibson. I haven't listened to the tapes, but the stories about them is comical to the hilt. It's almost like he really is his Riggs character from the first Lethal Weapon, all strung out on depression and anger and self-loathing that he just goes apeshit at all times.

So pairing those phone calls with Batman going apey while filming a scene for that wretched Terminator movie seems like a nice profanity-laced way to begin the weekend. Enjoy.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

My Recurring Date

So it seems that no matter what, every July 8 is going to be my birthday. Stupid calendar. I guess we have to mark the passing of time somehow. And since most everyone knows that I could care less about my birthday (or any other holidays and so forth), I thought it fun to poke around the interwebs and see significance, if any, has ever been put on the number 33. And luckily my research did not leave me to feel like I was trapped in a shitty Jim Carrey movie.

Some things you may not know (or even care to know):

In math, "33 is the largest positive integer that cannot be expressed as a sum of different triangular numbers. It is also the smallest odd repdigit that's not prime (unless we consider 1-digit integers to also be repdigits)." Eric and Kelly once crushed one of my repdigits under a big-ass boulder when they dropped it without telling me.

Also in math, 33 is apparently a Størmer number, which upon being looked up is not nearly as cool as it sounds.

In science, 33 is the atomic number of arsenic, something my sister has probably tried to poison me with once or twice. 33 is also the number of vertebrae in the human spine, so that's nice (although I'd like to get them all working together to help my golf swing).

Oregon is the 33rd state. That's cool. I've always dug Oregon. Good cities, good people.

For you religious folk, legend has it Jesus was 33 when he was crucified ("though not verified historically" according to to Wikipedia ... yeah, no shit), and he also apparently performed 33 miracles. Not sure I like either of those as forewarnings. Though according to some guy named Al-Ghazali, the dwellers of heaven will exist eternally in a state of being age 33, so if he's right I better have a damned good year.

In literature, 33 is the coming of age of a hobbit in J. R. R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings," and since Kelly thinks I live in Middle Earth, that works out quite well. Just need to brush up on my ranger and spellcasting skills. The number 33 was also discovered to lead to the essential meaning of life (the Bible) in Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol." But that book sucked so I'm not jazzed about that at all.

On a total downer note, 33 is one of the symbols of Ku Klux Klan. So that stinks. Guess I can't expect everything to be peachy. But let's flip it and I'll mention that there are at least four brands of beer named 33, one of which is a Vietnamese beer that I actually have had many times, so that's cool.

Well there you have it. We'll see how the year turns out. Thanks for all the well wishes and reading along.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Friday Funnies

30 years ago my favorite movie of all time was released. I'm pissed that I had this whole recap and historical reference post planned, and the friggin NY Times went off and released their own earlier this week. Damn you newspapers with time and budgets and staff to complete it before I could. Just sucks because I could have done the same thing but now my efforts would feel like mimicry.

Well, those who know me well know my beloved fascination with this movie (and the sequel). I can recite entire 15-minute stretches of that movie by rote. I know the scenery, the switches, lights and knobs. The sight gags that are hidden to the untrained eye. All that good stuff. I seriously could probably write 8,000 words about my love for this movie, but it might get a little freaky if I went to those lengths.

So instead of gushing forever about this movie, let's just go to some clips and enjoy some laughs. Thank you, Zucker bros. and Abrahams for this glorious sendup that will never be topped by always imitated.

The Beaver's mom talks jive!



She likes it dark.



The turkey tells all.



Laughing until I am quivering, wasted piece of jelly.