What I've Watched: Man on Wire

Few films move you to gasp with amazement. Man on Wire definitely did this for me. I think it's the melding of a man whose desire to entertain and challenge himself with the physicality of the buildings he tightropes across in this movie. That those buildings are the two World Trade Center towers make this an even more powerful documentary, because the movie ends up being a love letter to the WTC through the eyes of this incredible guy.

Phillipe Petit enjoyed wirewalking across challenging structures. He did the towers of Notre Dame and then bridge towers in Sydney. Considering this was 1975, it's just crazy to see this kind of art being performed, and art it is. This is a guy performing at 1,350 feet in the air on a wire. It's just breathtaking to watch all the effort culminate when he finally steps out.

My mom and wife kept shaking their heads, calling this guy crazy. I am not claiming some sort of kindred spirit with Petit, but I definitely believe there is something about "creative" people finding appreciation in someone else's creation that others may not instantly grasp. This doesn't mean I like Pollack or Matisse or Beethoven in a way they never would, but there is just something I cannot explain about how differently we viewed this movie. They seemed to be breaking it down on practical and legal terms, while I was just swimming in the awe of the event and moment.

It was kinda eerie watching the opening half-hour, when you watch the construction of the towers, because you see the same hole and steel and parts that we all saw deconstructed in 2001. It's unsettling, and I think the film benefits from not really even addressing the attacks. Instead, the whole focus is where it should be, on this one-time event that was a breathtaking moment.

Holiday Road: Kentucky Show

So it was our last day in Louisville before the big drive back to DC, and after a surprisingly delicious brunch, my mom thought of a quick activity, which was to go to the Center for the Arts downtown and check out this new display. It's a 30-minute video celebrating Kentucky's history.

At first I was a tad skeptical. I was worried it would be a half-assed film put together by a bunch of high schoolers and have the production value of the Blair Witch Project. Yet imagine my surprise when it was actually a really damn good 30-minute movie.

The project, called Kentucky Show!, is all about giving Kentucky residents a look at the history of the state and also celebrate everything the state has done. Sure, sounds kinda silly, and my friends from Cincinnati would probably interject a hundred Kentucky/barefoot jokes right now, but even they would be stunned by some of the stuff I learned.

It's narrated by Ashley Judd, and it's a mix of slideshows, video clips and tons of interviews with famous Kentuckians. And when they get to the part about the Derby, it got a bit misty. It never gets old and it's always gets me misty, seeing all those horses run, all the people and best of all, hearing 250,000 people singing My Old Kentucky Home. You can't experience that and not get choked up. I won't believe it.

So well done, mom. 30 minutes that made me feel a lot better about being from the Bluegrass State.

Holiday Road: Reading By Listening

Driving from DC to Kentucky and back is not a horrible journey. The trek takes you through lots of different and beautiful scenery. Western Maryland is nice, and once you get into Kentucky you got all those horse farms, and there is nothing prettier than seeing rolling hills with lots of horses hanging out. Just makes you feel like you are back home. West Virginia is not bad to look at, as long as you don't stop to talk to the people or eat anything. Because all they eat is fast food and more fast food.

It's about 13 hours total each way, so my goddess divine and I had to keep ourselves entertained, and playing the license plate game or the alphabet game just isn't getting it done. The lady gets carsick if she reads while in the car, so that wouldn't do either, and we have vastly different tastes in music, meaning, she hates everything I like. So loading up the iPod was out. The result? We gave audiobooks a try.

And I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. I was always worried about not being able to keep up and lose focus while driving, but it wasn't hard at all. Helps that we "read/listened" to some light-hearted fare, no Dickens or anything intense like that. All three, The Broker, The Appeal and The Ghost were all solid reads. The Appeal was a tad too slow at times, but it was decent in the end. The Broker was much more up-tempo, while The Ghost was a short 3 hours long and made the most of it.

I am definitely going to invest in more audiobooks the next time I take a road trip. It certainly helps pass the time, and as long as it's a solid book, you can't go wrong.

What I've Watched: Vantage Point

I can barely contain myself. This movie is the essence of putrid. And it's exactly the kind of movie that speaks to all of Hollywood's ills.

The lack of originality is stunning in Hollywood sometimes. Vantage Point is actually a remake, and though I have never seen the original, I sure as shit ain't seeing it now, because even if it's better than this version, I don't have the stomach for it.

Back when I was a kid, we visited my grandparent's house in NJ and I distinctly remember watching Down and Out in Beverly Hills, an '80s "comedy" that my grandfather, aunts, uncles, parents and the two dogs all considered to be the worst movie we'd ever seen. Even to this day, if just bringing up Down and Out gives my mom the shivers.

I told her flatly that Vantage Point was the Down and Out of the new millennium. Without two breaths, she said, "Screw it, send it back to Netflix, I'm not even going to bother watching it." Holy cow, that tells you something. You send a movie back without even bothering, because I compared it to a horrid film from two decades ago. That's the power of the Down and Out label in the Campbell household.

I feel sorry for any fool who spent money to see that movie in the theater. If you didn't figure out the whole thing and who the bad guys are in about 4 minutes into the film, you should have your brain checked. Big budget, big-name cast, big production, complete lack of effort. Thanks to Sigourney, Forrest, Dennis, Matthew and everyone else who crapped the bed on this one. Hope that new door you bought with this paycheck was worth it.

What I've Watched: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I've seen many a movie that has a resounding message to it, and does it in an emotional enough way to make me get just a wee misty. I'm man enough to admit it. And while Benjamin Button didn't make me cry, it did have one heck of a good message and one that maybe comes at a good time for me.

The message is loud and clear, and pretty much beats you with it over the head for nearly three hours. And that is, you don't know when certain opportunities will present themselves, and you best appreciate the moments you have, because the clock of time keeps ticking and those chances aren't always going to come around again. In simpler terms, the message is: Nothing Lasts.

It's depressing as shit, that's for sure. The movie is excellent. I've never been the biggest Brad Pitt fan, but his recent turns in this and in the underratedly excellent Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford have me liking him in this quieter roles that require him to be more than a pretty face mugging. Yes, his role as Rusty in the Ocean trilogy was great. But this is different, and better. This whole movie is made by Cate Blanchett. I'm not kidding, she's one of the top five actors working right now, in my opinion. She's fantastic in this also. She nails it with the petulance of youth and the anger of age and regret.

I admit to trying to live a life of no regrets, just forward motion. But everyone knows I am also someone who relishes in memories and can't throw anything away. I do have a small list of moments I regret and opportunities I now see as missed, and I'll leave this mortal coil knowing I can't get them back, so the rest of my days will be cursed with these few precious moments. But Benjamin Button did get me to remember a big mantra of my life, which is to appreciate the little things. It's always in the little things that make the big things in life even better.

Just Shut the Hell Up People

Now, let me be clear. I am not advocating violence toward people. And I really, really, really hate guns. The idea of guns disturbs me. But you know what I also hate? People friggin talking during movies.

Talk during the trailers? Sure, go for it. Hate or love the Coke commercials or the dancing hot dog? Fine, speak on dear friend. But when that movie company logo shows up and the title credits start rolling, just shut the hell up. I didn't pay $11 to hear your running commentary or your inability to follow plot. I have MST3K for the commentary if I want it, and trust me, they are better at it than you.

Part of the Christmas tradition in the Campbell household is to see tons of movies. So we went and saw Benjamin Button (review coming later), and lucky for us, we saw it here in Louisville and not in Philly.

Again, I'm not saying he should have shot the guy ... but I understand.

Just In Case You Thought They Left

Those racist, idiot moronic, jackass fuckwads who think they know what's best for the Republican Party are back. Yeah, some of same fools who think everything with the GOP is just fine as long as they keep up with the racist, we're better than everyone else, white-and-rich only mantras they keep espousing. Now, I hate for that to sound like an angry rant. I know a lot of registered Republicans who are very smart people, and have solid ideas on where this country and world should go, even if they are opinion I disagree with. At least they make sense.

But this shit is just just ridiculous. I mean, get a fucking life, pal. This jackass named Paul Shanklin (who came up with the Bomb Iran song, which is not offensive, just merely stupid) came up with a song called "Barack the Magic Negro." Bad as that sounds, it actually sounds a lot worse. Someone impersonates Al Sharpton, who then sings about whether Barack is legitimately black or not. Rush Limbaugh defended it, but of course we should never trust a drug addict's opinion unless it's his. Worse than the song actually being made, but now it got more legitimacy from a pure dumbass by the name of Chip.

You see, Chip Saltsman wants to be chairman of the RNC. Well la dee frickin da for him. Too bad he's a total fuckup for using the song as part of his campaign to be chairman. Some are calling it satire, but I know that this isn't any friggin satire. Herb Block knew satire. Saltsman, to quote a favorite movie of mine, isn't leading but two things right now, jack and shit, and jack left town. The YouTube of the song is below. Shame on them. Shame.

Yes, maybe I am sounding a little off my rocker, but shit like this just pisses me off and doesn't do anyone any good. But go ahead GOPers, put good ol Chip in charge. Sure he'll make everything better.

Holiday Road: Victory

First off, hope everyone had a good Christmas Day. Whatever gift you were hoping for (be it money, a pony or 100% convincing that Obama is indeed our president) I hope you got it.

Just have to give some much-deserved props to the Campbell kids. Instead of guessing at presents this year, the three of us were much more focused, and tagged the best possible gift for our mother. We got her the Amazon Kindle, which is the new fancy wireless digital book reader. It's pretty darn cool and surprisingly easy to use, so even scary octogenarians can use it without fearing that its going to take over the planet.

Mom dug it immensely from the moment she opened it, which is always a satisfying feeling. Then she spent the next two hours ticking off all its minutiae of features, so we knew she liked it. Campbell Kids 1, Bad Gift Ideas 0.

Holiday Road: Return to the Scene of the Crime

Tonight marks the one-year anniversary of the crime. We return to the scene tonight.

265 days ago, I accompanied my wife for the first time to her family's Christmas Eve dinner. Night before Christmas is the big tradition in her family, and everyone comes. There is some present opening, this odd photo of the grandchildren is taken and all is well. Plus, since my family doesn't have much of a family tradition of any kind for Christmas, it makes breaking up the holiday travel easy.

My first Christmas with the Crawfords would be an eventful one. That being because some jackass decided it would be a good idea to sneak into the front foyer and steal 5 purses. My wife's was one of them. Took us about an hour to realize they were stolen, but once it was realized, the hunt was on. And I'm not fucking kidding. It was a full-on, Tommy Lee Jones-style manhunt.

Her family is not to be trifled with. Within an hour, we had dissected secret surveillance video we got of the moron scoping out of the house. Then we had cops getting full, detailed reports from all 800 members of the family (everyone had an opinion and viewpoint, believe me). Of course, nothing topped me and her uncles canvassing the neighborhood, several of her uncles in trucks (with fully loaded rifles, no less) and me and a few others checking out nearby forests and dumpsters hoping the prick dumped the purses and kept the cash. It's probably better that the armed uncles weren't successful, because I'd feel sorry for that guy if they had found him.

We found a few clues (the idiot stole a Tupperware bowl, but I guess it was not lined in gold so he left it about 5 blocks away), but no perp, although a quick (hilarious) stop a local gas station had me and wife convinced for a few minutes we had him busted. In the end, we all were left shaking our heads and hoping the cops would catch the dude.

They finally did, about 5 months later, and the wife got a nice restitution check. It's been one year and the family gathers again tonight for the first anniversary of the crime. The ladies joked that they were all wearing fannypacks tonight as an homage. The family is installing a security system for the grandparents, and I bet it's not far from this one, knowing them. I just hope I get the code to shut it down.

Holiday Road: Tree Hunting

The Crawford bunch are normally a reserved bunch. This is far from my family, where no matter if it's Campbells or Duffys, chances are strong that you will find some alcohol, loud voices and some occasional picking on each other. You know, because we all love each other.

But my lady's family are the reliable ones, at least in terms of not drinking heavily and generally being goofballs. My side of the family has that covered. So behold my shock when I experienced the insanity of what seemed like a simple task ... getting a Christmas tree.

Go to a church parking lot or yard and buy a tree from Boy Scouts or something? Oh hell no. Her family drives damn near an hour to one of their secluded farms outside Murray and wanders aimlessly around a forest of trees to find the perfect one for her grandparent's house. Let me go ahead and reinforce a few things. There were around 11 of us. In four cars. It was 11 degrees outside. We were wandering around this forest. It was nuts.

Luckily, a tree was found. Or, as her grandfather aptly put, "We can cut this one down, or you all can wander around for another hour trying to find one and we'll end up back here to cut this one down." Thanks grandpa, for summing up everyone's opinions. So we cut the tree down with a saw, luckily not only with our hands. All the while, some of the cousins decided to make like spider monkeys and scale every tree they came across. Not to be taught a lesson, their father joined in. Normally reserved and rational, get them in an open setting and apparently all reason goes out the window. I'm just glad no one was impaled.

This scene from the best Christmas movie ever best sums up the experience, and is more like a documentary, the more I look back.

Sub in The Cambler

So back in Kentucky for the holidays, the wife and I hit up a gym down the road. The Paducah Athletic Center has good stuff: full gym, tons of TVs, a pool, a basketball court, some raquetball courts, batting cages, sauna and all that crap. Plus, it has my favorite feature ... no clients. Yeah, it's probably bad for business, but I love that when I am there, at most there are like 10-15 other people there. So no lines, no weird looks (I'm not exactly gym/weightlifting material), just some peace and quiet while I get healthy.

Being from Kentucky and not having played or shot a basketball in at least 2 years is mildly depressing. My only (weak) defense is that basketball courts are hard to find in DC, especially if you are not planning on hustling people or overcompensating for a lack of life by beating me to a bloody pulp. I just enjoy some casual sports without all the massive competition that takes the fun out of it.

So after working out, I decided to shoot a little to see how deteriorated my hoops skills had gotten. And much to my own surprise, I was rocking that court. Kelly would probably make claims that the basket was only 8 feet high, but it was regulation, so suck it. I was kicking arse. I couldn't miss. For the next 30 minutes I was just hitting from everywhere on the floor.

I decided to shoot some free throws to start, because that used to be my one strong suit. I missed my first free throw, but then
hit my next three. I thought I'd be goofy and see how long it would take me to miss 5. Just five. I thought if I made it to 15 I'd be proud of myself. The final result: 36. Took me 36 attempts to just miss five. That's 86%. Good lord, they are not that hard. It's just finding a flow like in Pop-a-Shot.

Here's a quick rundown of the worst free throw shooters in the NBA, and their salary for this year:
Kendrick Perkins (BOS): .557 -- $4.6 million
Dwight Howard (ORL): .570 -- $13.8 million
Emeka Okafor (CHA): .574 -- $9.5 million
Andris Biedrins (GSW): .586 -- $9 million
Shaquille O'Neal (PHX): .589 -- $21 million
Lamar Odom (LAL): .597 -- $14.2 million
Kenyon Martin (DEN): .605 -- $14.4 million

I give up. Get me a uniform and sub me in for the technical fouls or even get me some playing time. There are plenty of jackasses in the NBA who play no defense and still get paid. I'm ready and waiting for that phone call. The Wizards sure could use the help.

Holiday Road: Singalong

Now that we have made it to the farm for the first half of our holiday journey, now comes the fun parts. That is, me taking part in the family traditions of my goddess' clan that I was able to avoid during the opening 10 years of courtship. I got a "Get Out of Family Affairs Free" card because I normally had to go to Louisville and hang out with my event-free family. Now, I'm trapped in these activities like a prisoner in a Saw movie.

Last night's activity was a christmas concert at the family's Baptist church. One of the main performers was the wife's nephew, who is 4 years old and a maniac of Dennis the Menace proportions. Kid is great, but focused attention is not his forte, let alone any kid that age.

It was a trip watching him "perform," which basically meant him standing on the alter and repeatedly jamming his hands into his pants. Not sure if he was nervous or searching for gold, but those hands were firm in place. Also firm in place were his lips, which barely uttered a sound. As a nutcracker, he was spot-on. As a singer, not so much.

But it all turned out well, even if the band director got his god on to a level closely approaching spooky, and there was also a dude in the front row who started openly weeping because he couldn't stop coughing. Oh, and the music, while traditional Christmas tunes, were re-arranged by some fancy producer. They all sounded more like showtunes or Celine Dion tracks. Not entirely convinced that is what jesus would want. But what do I know?

Holiday Road: A Moment of Pause

We had to make a stop in Lexington for a night while on our way back to my wife's farm for the holiday. You see, her great uncle Ben died last week, and we absolutely had to pay our respects. Uncle Ben was a famous doctor here in Kentucky, and his death means my dearest's grandfather is the only sibling left. His other brother died two months ago, which means it has been a very un-fun winter thus far in the Crawford household.

I hate funerals. I hate hospitals. I shun just about anything dealing with death. I just don't handle that well. But I would be remiss if I didn't compliment and speak about the lovely service Uncle Ben got. Plus, he deserved the 50-70 people or so who showed up in 15-degree weather to say goodbye. My wife and I were saying farewell to a man who cooked up dinner while we were in college, who let us swim in his pool and do laundry for free. It's the little things, I always say, and Uncle Ben came through while not always getting the proper thanks. He was that kind of good man.

He lost a long, valiant battle with Alzheimer's, but I'm sure he's baking his French bread and making everyone smile. And while I loathe hospitals and funerals, I could not help but recognize the peacefulness of hearing birds chirp in the silence, the wind passing through branches struggling to hold their leaves in winter's grasp. The serene sound of taps being played out through the military color guard. And if nothing else, the beautiful words to a poem I had not heard previously, but will always remember.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on rippened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Ashley Morris

Well said.

Holiday Road

Yes, it's holiday season, which means it's time for a road trip. The wife and I decided this year to drive back to Kentucky, that way we could deliver presents instead of mailing them, and also because flights were about $9 bagillion dollars just to fly from DC to Louisville or Nashville (which is a whopping 100-minute flight).

No road trip would be complete without the National Lampoon's Vacation theme song, so just enjoy that. It's supposed to rain and be super windy the whole way home, so I doubt we'll have time to stop a visit the world's largest ball of twine or that enormous dinosaur that shows up in movies all the time. Plus, besides the weather, those locales are on the other side of the map from Kentucky, so we'd have to be super effing lost to run into those. Of course, it worked out splendidly for the Griswold's.

My Paper Challenge: My Fault

So I had a massively busy final day at work and did not get a chance to do my final weigh-in and examination of all the paper and such that I have been saving up as part of my one-month challenge. I had hoped to dissect the whole experience over the holiday break, but now it's gonna have to wait until I get back to DC. But don't worry, I'm not forgetting about you all, who are anxiously awaiting the breakdown. All three of you. But you are the few but faithful.

A New Party-Hole

My guy friends like to bash me for liking Broadway. Now, on some levels I can't blame them. Because I do like the theater. Problem is, they think I only dig massive, overblown musicals by Andrew Lloyd Webber or something. I actually like regular dramatic theater also, and I will never say no to comedic theater.

Broadway is in a massive slump right now, and I'm torn on it. Yes, the shows are important, fun and shouldn't be missed. I also don't think they need to be so full of themselves to bilk $150 per seat from tourists who are already dropping huge chunks of cash just to be in NYC. This is when that elite feeling that people bitch about NYers actually makes a point.

Anyway, I'm plugging a Broadway show that is sure to please everyone, even though it's in a limited run. W is pathetic, ignorant moron and I know (sadly) more than a few people who actually think he's done a decent job. Maybe they are Enron employees. Here's a brief video of the show I'm talking about. Hopefully this will give Broadway a fast boost in ticket sales.

A Message from George W Bush by Will Ferrell

What I've Watched: Tropic Thunder

When I hosted my Sunday supper club last night, my goddess divine and I were caught quoting Anchorman and some other comedies throughout the night that my three guests were stumped by. It was one of those moments when I realized that some people absorb movie quotes into their life like it's no big deal, and others have real lives and don't worry about such trivial things. I clearly fall into the former.

Tropic Thunder is filled with hilarious moments, many of which are based in some rather off-color humor that you need to have thick skin in order to truly appreciate. The fake trailers and opening 30 minutes alone are full of stuff that the politically correct crowd would run for hills from. But to me it's all in good fun, especially when the real jokes are being played on Hollywood stereotypes and what they think is funny.
Some cameos by Elijah Wood and Tom Cruise are very funny, and everything about Robert Downey Jr.'s turn as an Australian actor who dyes his skin black to play a black soldier. The whole premise of it is comical, and his Brando-esque need to immerse himself in the roles is just great to watch. I highly recommend the movie (even if it does seem to stretch out about 25 minutes longer than it should), and even if you don't end up quoting from it like me, you'll still enjoy it. Just try not to give me the stink-eye because I'm a crazy person who remembers lines from movies.

Take Your Stripes and Shove It

As you all know, I review video games. Which means I also play a lot of video games. Most of the time I can only spend about 10 on any given game because my column comes out weekly, so delving into any one game just takes away time from another. As a reward for all my hard work (yeah, I can feel the pity from here), I let myself truly enjoy the hell out of one game.

This means I try my damnedest in my free time to see the game through to the finish. I always make sure it's a great game, whether it's Oblivion or The Godfather, or a couple seasons of NCAA Football or perhaps unlocking everything I can in Skate. Right now, that game is Gears of War 2.

Besides the comically high level of gore and the fun of sawing someone in half, I have a more community-based reason for loving this game. You see, I got friends back in Kentucky and Ohio (and even this guy I know in Florida, but calling him a friend would do a disservice to the word 'friend'). Sorry, Matt, it's true. Anyway, it's great because all of these friends play online with me, so once or twice a week I get to catch up with Luke, Sean, Andy, Sarah, Matt (OK, fine, I'll acknowledge him), Jeremy and others. Yeah, you read that right ... we even have a chick playing with us. It's awesome. She curses loudly and loves tossing frags into hordes of combatants. It's great stuff.

GOW2 has a ranking system to gauge how well you play online, and they give you stripes and stars based on your performance. Me and some of the guys are currently stuck on one stripe, while tons of others online have 70 gold bars and stars and look more like 5-star generals than your average gamer. I earned my second stripe last week, but then had a bad run and lost it 15 minutes later. It sucked. I was pissed.

Now, I learn that there is no method to the ranking system. Matt, who is easily the Sling Blade level of gamer in our group, has earned his second stripe and hasn't lost it despite him sucking massively on a consistent basis. So I say screw the stripes. I'm not worried. I know I got skills, and I'm gonna take Matt's second stripe and cram it down his piehole. Oh, and that awesome photo is me blowing his head off with a sniper round. Thanks for the proof, Sean.

Karma is a Bitch

I love Karma. I'm a big believer in it. No, I'm not Hindu or Buddhist (though the ultra-cool Leonard Cohen makes me think I could pull it off). In fact, I pretty much could do without organized religion altogether. But for some reason, all the reading I have done in the past on karma makes me think that there is something to it.

I bring this up because I heard some news that reinforces my belief in it. My boss at my old place of employment got laid off back in the summer, and it was about damn time. She was clearly, by far and away, the dumbest person I have ever met, let alone someone I had to work with. I was designing magazines, and the woman they put in charge had zero management experience. Zero magazine experience. Zero editorial experience. Zero budgeting experience. Zero project management experience. Zero writing, editing or design experience. That's an assload of zeroes people. I'm no Donald Trump, but I was told more or less that I was not given the job because I wasn't old enough yet. Well, age don't make smarts, and she was living, breathing, ignorant proof of that. 8 people directly quit their jobs at this place and cited her as the reason in exit interviews.

I'm usually good about not bagging on people, because it's bound to piss off the karma gods and come back on me. But we're talking about a manager who openly yelled and disparaged her 3 team members. Who told me I was a shitty designer and would never get another job better than the one working for her. That she thought about business tactics best when shopping at Macy's. I could go on, but the Internet must have a built-in limit on talking about her, because I can feel it coming soon.

Anyway, I just heard that as of this time, she is still without a job. She's been leap-frogged by two people once below her in the totem pole, and two separate sources say she's burning bridges faster than the River Kwai. So I'm loving life a little bit more today, because that evil woman did so much to try and destroy the lives of several individuals, and I'm glad she's in crapper right now. I don't feel sorry for her at all. I hope she's eating Vienna Sausages and still squeezing into clothes 3 sizes too small. Thanks for the update, Bill. I'm soo happy.

I Think I Missed Out

The deleted scenes from The Office are sometimes the best work, and I still feel no one gets to see it. And let me tell you, if I had known about Schrute Farms as a wedding locale, I would have bailed on getting married at my wife's farm in a heartbeat. Dwight seems to have everything under control, and he's got a surly Amish dude to boot.

Courtside Ramblings

So my boy Dan got us some swank seats to the Wizards/Blazers game Wednesday. These were $239 face value seats that Dan got for $75 each, saving us around $300 bucks easy, so already we were going into the night champs. And things only got better, since we showed up the Phone Booth (Verizon Center for you non-DCers out there) and saw our seats were right next to the Wizards' bench about 4 rows from the floor. Enjoying the view from our Kevin Bacon seats (since Spike Lee gets on the floor for the Knicks, we figure we had the kind of seats Footloose guy would get), here are some other rambling thoughts I had during the game:

>> Wizards "All Star" guard Gilbert Arenas (whose getting something like $110 million for several years and yet he's only played about 18 games the last two seasons) didn't bother showing up until midway through the second quarter. Guess he was busy in line buying a hot dog or a blue raspberry slushy. Those things take time to make, I hear. You stay classy, Gil.

>> The Wiz have a high number of suspect girls on their cheerleading squad. I'm not going to guess how many of them are earning a little on the side by kickin it on the stripper pole, but there are a few who were a bit too comfortable with the stripper perfume and had a quite a bit of ... well, let's call it sass ... when it came to dancing for the crowd in the lower seats.

>> Dan and I had originally agreed to dress silly for the game, either going for ultra-Euro trash (leather jackets, half-buttoned shirts) or look silly. Dan bailed, but I went strong, wearing some vintage gear and aviators. Yeah, that's me looking like an extra on C.H.I.P.S. to the right.

>> As if on cue, as Andray Blatche (Wiz center) passes by us with a tissue up his nostril, Dan chimes in "Damn, how many times have we told him to lay off the powder." That's Dan ... a man of few words, but they mean something.

>> One of the services we get with the VIP seats is access to the VIP lounge (free apps, which is nice), shoeshines, friendly bartenders who actually take the time to remember what you order, lots of TVs, close proximity to the locker rooms (both players' and cheerleaders). Ummm, yes, I did say shoeshines. What the fuh??? There were dudes actually skipping the game for minutes at a time to get their shoes shined. Wanted to bust out some Billy Batts on them, but they were bigger than me, and I'm a chicken.
>> After firing Eddie Jordan as their head coach, the Wiz's interim coach is some front office jackass that no one takes seriously. During any timeouts, all the players stand apart and watch the video big board and whatever goofy videos it is showing. Several times, this was happening when the Wiz were trailing the Blazers by only 5 or 6 points. Well, at least I'll know what to expect the rest of the season.

My Paper Challenge: Video Games

So I'm about two weeks away from the end of my paper challenge. If you missed the original post, here it is. Anyway, as part of the project, I said I would give updates on how things were going.

One of the biggest paper contributors in this challenge thus far has been the video game companies that send me their games to review. That picture on the right is no joke. That is my mail nearly every day. Inside each of the 6-8 packages is a bunch of stapled press releases that mean absolutely nothing to me. It's breakdowns of what makes the game so "fun" and a "must review" kind of title. As if that is really going to sway me. About 85% of the time, I can tell upon opening the package whether its a game I am going to review or not.

Not that I am a dick about what I review. But when I get six games a day, and only review three a week, the math is against me and the game companies at every turn. Seeing all this worthless paper included in the packages just doesn't make any sense. If other reviewers are persuaded by this stuff, then I don't know what to tell you. The amount of paper these companies could save by skipping these included press sheets is staggering. Plus, you must remember that I get all the EXACT same info through the companies, whose reps e-mail me nonstop, which makes more sense than printing it all out.

Besides griping about it here, I have started making inquiries to the PR reps about not including the paper in mailings anymore. We'll see what comes of it. Maybe it's the start of getting changes made.

Prop 8: The Musical

Comedy. Musical. Popular actors. Not sure how you could go wrong here.

Of course, I wish they were singing a song about how much of an idiot Sarah Palin is, or perhaps celebrating Obama a tad more, but instead they get to make fun of the sometimes stupid people of California. Well, those stupid people who thought it was a great idea to suppress the rights of its citizens.

I'm all for gay marriage, gay people adopting and whatever the hell else gays feel like doing. My fellow hetero folk have fucked up enough things on their own. The world will keep spinning if gays can marry and have rights. And having rights is what this country is supposed to be about.

So I tip my hat to Jack Black, Alison Janney, Doogie Howser and all the others who make appearances here.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

What I've Watched: Sex and the City

OK, here I go. I was a Sex and the City watcher. Yep, I can be man enough to admit. When you are living with a woman after so many years, you end up getting forced into watching shit TV you never want anything to do with. Luckily, my goddess divine knows that I won't go near the living room when anything from MTV, E! or Style is on. I just won't do it. I have too much pride in myself and my brain cells.

But when it was rocking on HBO, I can say I saw every episode. It happens. Unavoidable. So I knew all the storylines. I, for better or worse, could breakdown all the plusses and minuses of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. I put up with all the ways they stereotyped the guys they dated so that it was easier to dump them and make the ladies look better. And by all means, don't get me started with the whole Carrie/Big/Aidan thing. Big is a dickwad and doesn't deserve to even be on the show. Aidan was a good man until they decided to make him a tad crazy so Carrie had a out to dump him at the altar. What a bunch of shite.

Anyway, this is about the movie. On the whole it's entertaining, and I must say that after a few years of the show being off the air, it was fun for a couple hours to watch the characters back in action. The story starts out strong for the 45 minutes or so, and then all the wheels come off. There is a trip to Mexico, Miranda never says a positive line in the entire film, Big somehow doesn't get run over by a train, and the whole plot is wrapped up in about 4 minutes. To say, in the end, that I was disappointed would be a statement I would not deny.

But I still stand by the fact that it was fun to see that group of characters again. I wish several of them were handled better and more to their characters when it was on HBO, but I guess things could have been worse; they could have had Aidan show up so Carrie could spit in his face or something.

What I've Watched: Role Models

I admit to having gargantuanly low expectations for this movie. Dan wanted to see it, and I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to avoid it. I cannot overstate my lowered expectations. Short of 90 minutes of two guys crapping in a meadow, I was not imagining anything resembling a decent flick.

In Role Models you have two guys playing roles we all know, because they have done them before and they have simply changed the names because that sis what writers do when grasping for straws. Sean William Scott plays Wheeler, which is as useful a name as Stifler, and in this movie he's just another womanizer who dresses as a minotaur. Paul Rudd plays ... well, he plays Paul Rudd. Which is to say that he is the same frickin guy in every movie, and this one is no different. Imagine his typical burnt-out guy who is a jokester but has woman troubles, and so he figures it all out, only after getting dumped by his lady and becoming friends with a 15 year old.

I can say that this movie did have some funny lines in it, mainly uttered by the two kids in the movie (one of them is McLovin), and also Jane Lynch from the Christopher Guest movies. There is also a huge subplot involving the Darkon people, and after watching the documentary just a few days previous it was pretty damn funny to have a connection to the movie. But I have to say that there was no coherent plot, just a bunch of funny lines and some scenes thrown together. It didn't make much sense, and it definitely was not worth the $11 per ticket I paid to see it, but I am not going to hold it against Dan. I know my wife has the group has taken the group to movies we all thought were just hideous. Me, I'd never do such a thing. Ever.

What I've Watched: Slumdog Millionaire

After the disappointing morning viewing of the 007 film, luckily the lady and I were given a reprieve when our friends Dan and Ashley wanted to go check out Slumdog Millionaire.

The film centers around a young guy who is winning big on the Indian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. One question away from victory, he is arrested and accused of cheating, because he is poor and more or less homeless, which naturally means he must be a drooling moron with no functioning brain cells. Clearly the showrunners didn't know about With Honors. Taking the movie up a notch, and without trying to give anything away, you learn about his life through the questions the gameshow's host asks. It's a nice nonlinear narrative that is not always seen and is highlighted more when you consider how completely uninventive Hollywood is these days.

What worked out best in the film for me was that it is so rare to find a solid film where the cast is not white. Bend it Like Beckham and others have tread this ground before, but this is an interesting groundbreaker because the director is a well-known guy. Danny Boyle is more appropriately known for directing Trainspotting and 28 Days Later, but to his best film will always and forever be Shallow Grave. It has a sentimental attachment for me, since my film buddies Dan and Luke introduced the movie to me and we all (a decade later) still make jokes about it and it was an early sign that the three of us would be good friends.

The movie does take a simple word like destiny and weaves a really cool story in a altogether unfamiliar culture to give a most pleasant surprise this film season. So once you read the other reviews from this marathon weekend you'll see quickly that Slumdog turned out to be the best movie I saw.

What I've Watched: Quantum of Solace

There is no denying that James Bond is a bad motherf*(&#$er. Just is. I don't care how corny Roger Moore was, or how pompous and stupid Pierce Brosnan played him, or how only Timothy Dalton could make Bond look like a 3rd grade wiener that I could beat up. He's still Bond, and Daniel Craig's take on Bond has been welcomed, if not for the debonair charm that Moore and Sean Connery gave the character then at least for the simple fact that Craig's Bond can beat the tar out of anyone.

Casino Royale was a great "reboot" to the franchise, though its somewhat stupid to call it that since every time they change actors in the tux its a reboot in some ways. But this Bond series is now all about competing with the Bourne's and Batman's of the world. Casino Royale's story was decent most of the time and set up what could be a formidable SPECTRE-like omniscent evil organization for him to battle. But Quantum fell short in many ways for me. The story was complete crap (even though the premise sounds intriguing), the action was devoid of meaning and in the end it just didn't feel like a Bond movie. And isn't that the most important thing?

To have Bond be so serious and missing some of the outright camp that made it unique is to take away a piece of its chemistry. I'm hoping that the third Bond in this series of films will bring back the gadgets (there were none in this movie), tighter action scenes (the fast-paced, quick cuts that are the current fad in action flicks is a mind-numbingly cheap ploy to cover for shoddy direction), a worthy title track (that noise by Jack White and Alicia Keyes was unspeakably horrid) and, damnit all, I need Bond sipping martinis and getting smooth with the ladies. The "stationery" line in Quantum was by far the best line in the whole movie. And no one in my theater even got the joke.

FARTing Around DC

Saturday was a day of tough decisions for me. I had the chance to participate in two worthwhile opportunities, and I had a hard time choosing. For weeks I had seen the posters for the Walk for the Homeless. I had plans on participating, but a late-night session of Gears of War 2 with the clan made rising for the 9 a.m. start time a little too daunting a task.

Luckily, I had a fallback, which was proposed to me by my good friend Kristin. Her friend is on the board of FART, a nonprofit comprised of friends who were tired of the intramural leagues here in DC. I know what they mean, because after a few seasons of intramural soccer and flag football, those leagues were nothing but college grads and men in their 30s trying to beat the shit out of each other. The fun was 100% removed, and it was all about winning and if you could do it degrading your opponent, all the better. Hey folks, you're not earning a paycheck on that field, and you're not getting any chicks breaking another person's leg, either, so quit with the uber-macho shite.

Anyway, back to FART. Or, Faux Athletic Recreational Tournaments. The point is to have fun on weekends and also benefit a worthy cause. The event I did was a DC Hide and Seek. They've done bizarro things like Connect Four tournaments and stuff like that, but this was their first big-scale event.

My team, the Nickels (don't ask), were given a printout of clues to the location of FART members hiding around DC. We followed the clues and found our hidden folk hiding in all sorts of places (Hirschorn Museum, an ice rink, a cafe in Dupont Circle, outside a Best Buy in Columbia Heights and many more).

In the end, the Nichels prevailed, coming in first place. I expected nothing less, since Kristin and I attacked the contest with a fervor worthy of Terry Tate. Our team had the fewest members (four) but we would not be denied. Kristin, Maggie (both pictured), myself and a certain person who is dead to us because he went Benedict Arnold on us during the awards ceremony, we all stepped up and kicked some Hide and Seek ass. In addition, FART collected enough entry fees and donated coats to clothe 8 people and feed 24 for the holidays, so we had fun and helped out some people, which was great.

Not sure what FART has in store for the future, but I hope they continue to push the activities. There are some angry people here that could use some light-hearted fun that benefits someone other than themselves.

Needing The Piemaker's Touch

I don't watch a lot of TV. I do watch lots of movies and I like some HBO and NBC shows, but for the most part I stick to watching the Planet Green channel and stuff like that. But one of the newer shows that I got instantly hooked on is Pushing Daisies. It's a wildly intelligent show that (rarely) appeals to both me and the lady. The humor and design of the show is fantastic and visually enjoyable for me, while she loves the inclusion of a cutesy love story and most importantly Kristin Chenoweth in the cast. And if Kristin happens to sing during a given episode, goodness gracious you could kill my lady right there on the spot and she'd be OK with it. Here's two scenes in which she sings, and to make me happy, one of them is a They Might Be Giants song:



Well, I bring all of this up because ABC has pulled the plug on the show. It sucks. For the first time in several years I have invested in a primetime show and now it's going away. This was a damn Emmy nominee and was loved by critics, but apparently 7 million viewers a week can't sustain a show anymore. Complete bullshit if you ask me. So now they'll produce more useless shite like dancing with B Movie Stars or Jennifer Grey's Life After Dirty Dancing. Some kind of crap like that.

I will miss this show's costume and set design that looked like something a chipper Tim Burton would put together. They had a great dog, Digby, and Kristin got a pet pig named Pigby. Just too damn funny. The narrator often did his bits in rhyme, and everything about the show was original and unique, something rare in modern TV. Yet once again the forces of creativity are being squashed in favor of the forces of meaningless repetition.

Now, ABC has not completely cancelled the show, but the hiatus they have ordered may as well be the deathknell. There are only a few episodes left, and I wish that a revolt that saved Jericho a couple years back would happen here, but it looks like the Piemaker will have to close up his shop, and it saddens me. So to reminisce, here are someone's top 20 scenes in the show in it's brief season-and-a-half run.

Nice Chipper Sarah

What a moron. Some are saying she didn't know there was a large turkey getting shredded behind her. If she's that ignorant, it's further proof we didn't need her as veep. She's only 10 frickin feet away. Surprised she didn't notice the turkey carcass getting on her "The USA is A.O.K." $15 Walmart coat. What a dolt. (The embed doesn't always seem to work, so use the link here to watch the next GOP superstar).

Yes, that's her pardoning a turkey while his brother/sister/cousin/yard neighbor gets the Fargo treatment.

My Paper Challenge

Another thing I want to keep everyone updated on is my constant conversion and conversion of others into the eco/green way of living. I had an epiphany about three years ago that this, in my opinion, will be the biggest challenge facing the world in my lifetime. So now I spend tons of time researching more effective ways to help green my office, my home, my friends (besides painting them green) and anything else I can affect. I'm done just reading about it; it's time to starting helping others affect change. And that can also be done by example.

My office recycles white paper and magazines/catalogs. It's great. My last employer sucked at the whole recycling thing, and they were a newspaper company for pete's sake. No surprise, they are collapsing each and every week. So sad.

So now each day when I come home, I sort through the mail and gather up all the catalogs and junk mail me and the goddess get, and instead of pitching it I toss it all in my bag and chuck it into the recycle bin at work the next morning. It takes no extra time, no extra effort, and it makes a huge difference.

How much, you may ask? Well, that's what I am going to find out. For the next month (Nov. 18-Dec. 18) I am going to collect everything I would recycle and keep it in a box. On Dec. 18 I am going to weigh it all and see how much it comes out to. I've been recycling so much this last year or so, but I've never really paid attention to how much it really is. Figure it would be fun to see how much one person (or two, since I'll count the lady's things also) makes in terms of junk mail. Just in case you were wondering, I will keep you posted periodically on my progression and also pass along any tips I find that can help us all make a difference.

What I've Watched: Darkon

Documentaries don't all have to be about WWII, the Iraq War or how stupid Fox News is (if you don't know it by now, shame on you). Good docs can also be found when the subject is some of the off-color groups of people in our world who have, some would argue, total shit for brains.

Point in reference, the freaks in Trekkies. By the way, that dude is my hero. OK, maybe not, but if you had any reason to doubt watching Trekkies, the movie is like 2 hours of that kid and all his friends. You're are missing out on the joys of life if you have missed that movie. Or perhaps the evil waste of a human being in King of Kong is more your style. Either way, there are some great documentaries out there that highlight the bizarre nature of our fellow earthlings.

Darkon definitely resides in that category. It's not as funny, per se, as some of those other flicks, but it nevertheless has a place because this is all about a community of people near Baltimore who twice each month get together and live out Medieval times. They do this on soccer fields at local schools. Or in parks where there are children playing. Umm, hello? People should stop worrying about gays getting married and instead worry about their kids getting converted by these people.

These people get a little too into this stuff. I mean, I can admit to playing some D&D when I was a teenager and even now I get online with friends and play some raging sessions of Gears of War 2. But I don't assume the role of a dark elf trying to buy my freedom from the guy two houses away who apparently runs our mythical nation. That's just taking it a bit too far. And wait until you see how these people live. My lord, there are dead people with better living conditions. I highly recommend watching this flick, because these people are out there, folks, and we need to know more about them. They may have the keys to the kingdom if the apocalypse ever arrives.

What I've Watched: Meet Bill

Quick show of hands ... Who here likes roadkill? Ok, I see one hand up, but that person is a weirdo and I am not taking his opinion seriously. But the rest of you seem like (semi)normal people who clearly are not fans of roadkill.

Roadkill gets run over time and time again, quickly getting mashed and unrecognizable as the original creature it used to be. Meet Bill is incredibly similar. It's a over-worn tale of a middle-aged guy who doesn't know what his life has become, so he starts living a whole new "independent" life, which naturally means hanging out with a teenager and a younger chick. These movies don't bother me as a genre, because when they are done right (Lost in Translation, Broken Flowers, just to skim the surface) they can be comical, moderately introspective and don't come across as shallow. That's pretty much the total opposite of Meet Bill.

Aaron Eckhart was way better in this type of movie when it was Thank You For Smoking. Elizabeth Banks has been much better in just about any other movie she's been in. Jessica Alba can be hot at times, but when it's time for quiet scenes where she has to carry it with dialogue, you'll have better success finding details in fog. Watch it if you want, but I warned you ahead of time.

First Snow

Today was the first snow in DC. I'm always a big fan of the first snow. Means winter is fast approaching and the manic heat of summer is behind me. I love the cold weather. I think I have more in common with the Tonton than most people. I enjoy low temperatures. It was a mild summer, though, which for DC was crazy strange. Made for fantastic golf weather, and the super cold pausing the golf season for several months my be its only negative.

But you got Thanksgiving (tons of good eats), Christmas (more good food, presents and comical family moments) and New Year's (good lord more food, drinking and fun with friends). Everyone complains about the weather, but you get all these good moments of fun. I don't know what these people are whining about. The cold is here. It has brought the snow. Chris likes his weather cold.

Effed-Up Friday

My Friday was total crap. I just have to vent about it for a moment. First, I spent the entire day reading e-mails from my friends in my fantasy football league, who decided it was time to question my manhood for about 8 straight hours. It was brutal. I'm not saying that it wasn't funny at time. It was. I definitely have some fodder in my life that is easy targets. So that was a stunningly unfun way to start.

Then, the lady and I went to a rehearsal dinner in Baltimore. On the way up, we were in a car accident. Nothing serious, thankfully, but really rather annoying. Damn girl just wasn't paying attention and rammed right into us. Took 20 minutes out of our schedule and it took us 2 hours and 45 minutes to go from DC to Baltimore, about a 40-mile trip in total. Just damn annoying.

The dinner was fun. It was a on a cruise ship in Baltimore Harbor and it's where I took the picture. It was an immensely foggy night, which gave the docks and waterside a beautiful spookiness about it.

But to spoil what was a lovely evening, I returned home to find out that one of the few things I care about most, UK basketball, was upset by a ridiculously unknown school, VMI. I never liked Gillespie's hiring as the coach of my beloved alma mater and sure as hell hate it now. That was my Friday. One good thing, three bad things. Not a good ratio.

What I've Watched: Even Money

I cannot help the fact that I love to gamble. I just do. It's part of who I am. Am I clearing out the family bank account and leveraging it all on some DIII school that may or may not have 24+ rebounds in a game? No. I just like the action.

So I like throwing a few bucks here and there on games so that they are interesting to watch and I have a stake in them. Of course, "a few bucks here and there on games" tests the boundaries for some people, since my limits are different than yours. It's my money, so screw you all and get over it. I'll be fine. I don't need an intervention anytime soon.

I bring all this up because when I see movies and shows about gambling, or movies with interesting ensemble casts, I'll check them out. This lead me to Even Money. It had both gambling and a bunch of actors that may not be my favorites but can get the job done (most of the time).

Even Money just sucked, though. Let's be quick and honest. The characters were about as stereotypical as you can imagine, which would be fine except the people playing them just didn't fit. Forest Whitaker wins an Oscar for playing a cruel dictator, but isn't right as the doomed brother of a budding basketball star. Kelsey Grammer and Tim Roth are the only two who even remotely make sense, while Jay Mohr could not have died fast enough and Kim Basinger is just way to mannequin-like to be believed as a gambling addict with no real basis for gambling in the first place. Seeing Danny DeVito go all Red Brooks on us toward the end of the film was cool, although we could all see it coming.

This movie was unlike any gambling experience, because here, you saw everything coming. If gambling were like that, I'd be spending my days rolling around half-naked on a bed of money like Demi Moore. Lastly, seems like 5 guys sat in a room and just pulled a gambling term out of nowhere for the title of the film, because nothing in this movie resembles even money. Just stupid all around.

The Olympics Might Be Screwed

So a couple days ago Kelly wrote his personal breakdown of how he could best survive and beat back the pissed off guys dressed like Oakland Raiders fans if the world went all Mad Max on him.

Well based on this trailer for the new Roland Emmerich movie, 2012, Kelly better get ready for Waterworld instead of desert wastelands. So everything you just wrote about fighting dirty and adjusting well to your surroundings might be total bullshit if Emmerich has anything to say about it. But apparently the movie is about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 and the world coming to an end through global/weather happenings. Whatever, sounds like something Dr. Venkman would come up with.

And Emmerich's clearly the authority on the subject, since his last two efforts were the apocalyptic 10,000 BC and the weather-related The Day After Tomorrow.

In The Day After Tomorrow, freakin a Dick Cheney lookalike ignores prophecies from Dennis Quaid, which honestly I would probably do also. Then Gay Cowboy has to save a band of teenagers (all adults be damned) and begin a small Lord of the Flies colony in the NY Public Library. Oh, and Dennis Quaid saves the day. I love the video, just because the sappy music makes the film look like a romance where they avoid being chased by ice. Funny.

10,000 BC fares no better. They speak English, for one thing, a language that didn't exist yet. Now, I'll let that go, because a silent film or one of the Mel Gibson "boy I want to be authentic" attempts would have been too much. Instead we got all manner of historic time periods living together at once, and a hero who spans 11 different climate types in 2 hours. I guess what I am saying is Roland Emmerich is the Lou Dobbs of environmental films. Good for him. Hope Kelly gets his girl slapping down.

The Missing Pieces

I think we are onto something here, folks. The deleted scenes are almost as good as the parts they show, and the show is already damn funny. I am now questioning my appreciation of beets.

What I've Watched: Paranoid Park

I really dig skateboarding. It's damn cool, in fact. I tried getting good at it when I was a teenager, but I'll be honest in saying that I didn't give it 100%. Hell, I probably gave it about 20%, and that won't get you anywhere but basic olleys and injuries. I wish I would have done it, though, because I do think (perhaps blindly) that I would have been good at it. I was quite a good soccer player, and those who are good on their feet usually have no problem making it on a board.

Alas, it was not meant to be, so instead I live vicariously through my buddies Kelly and Eric. You'll probably see them in my NY Skate Park gallery, where we were under the Brooklyn Bridge and people were killing on the ramps. I'll be posting that one in the coming weeks, so be on the lookout.

Anyway, this all gets us to today's review of Paranoid Park, an off-kilter murder mystery from Gus Van Sant. Yeah, after he got super, duper famous from Good Will Hunting, he decided to go off a do a bunch of low-budg indie films with casts of unknowns. He did one about in a Columbine-inspired tale, and Paranoid Park is primarily about a skater who accidentally kills a security guard and is dealing with the aftermath and whether he's gonna get caught or not.

It's the silence that makes this movie strong. The main character, Alex, is soft-spoken and you're left wondering whether it's that he's a typical teenager or if it's because he's freaking out over the death he just caused. But his eyes tell a lot, and for an unknown actor he delivers strong. The others in the cast are not bad, either, from the bitchy, preening ex-girlfriend to even the local skaters who kick it down at the skatepark. The music's dissonance and the switchback plot cuts sometimes confuse the issue and don't do as good a job as other movies who execute this technique. But it's still a solid film, and its brief running time make it a worthy watch if you're looking for something interesting and untypical from mainstream film.

Only One Macchio

1984. Not the 1984 or George Orwell. No, this was the 1984 of this movies for me. There were several movies that year I remember distinctly remember seeing. Don't know why it was that year, but for some reason the age of 7 was when I started committed movies to memory, and it was the year that sowed the seeds for my pal Kelly forever bashing me for knowing too many lines from too many movies.

Splash, Amadeus, Ghostbusters, Revenge of the Nerds, Footloose, Romancing the Stone, Police Academy, Sixteen Candles, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Breakin, Firestarter, The Natural, Gremlins, Top Secret!, Cannonball Run II, Gods Must be Crazy, Muppets Take Manhattan, The Last Starfighter, Purple Rain, Cloak & Dagger, Red Dawn, Body Double, Terminator, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Oh God You Devil, Beverly Hills Cop, Breakin' 2, Dune, Protocol, The Karate Kid.

Good effin lord, that is a murderer's row of hits. Do we EVER have years like that anymore? I'd say no. Not even remotely close.

What's sad about the state of the film industry is it's glaring lack of originality. Look back at that list. A new Terminator movie is being made. They're remaking Footloose to appeal to the High School Musical losers. Harrison Ford donned the hat and it wasn't what I thought it would be. A fourth Ghostbusters is being talked scripted. And now the word is out that they are remaking The Karate Kid. With Will Smith's kid.

I give up. Will Smith's kid is going to be the new Ralph Macchio? I am offended to the core.

Who can forget Daniel LaRusso taking down the Cobra Kai? A young Elisabeth Shue becoming one of the worst girlfriends ever? 5 teen karate dudes getting whipped by 3-foot-tall Mr. Myagi? Sensei Krease? You're the Best? Sweep the leg!? Put him in a bodybag!? Classic moments. Some movies are just too good in their original state to even consider remaking. Macchio was a once-in-a-lifetime loser-turned-hero, and there is no way he should ever be forced into the background while Will Smith's kid becomes the hero. Plus, no one will ever, EVER replace the great Billy Zabka. Don't even try this argument with me. I get violent in my defense of Zabka as the most under-appreciated actors of his generation.

This remake is dead to me. It has no chance of ever being seen by these eyes. Sure, it's not meant for my eyes, but it should be avoided like syphilis, bean sprouts, Tara Reid and ingrown toenails. These are not opinions, but facts of life.

A Quick Look Back

On Saturday night a few of us gathered to eat some food and hang out, and in the course of the evening we ended up watching the SNL Presidential Bash, where clips of political skits were shown from season's past. This got me to thinking about a great clip from The Daily Show when they mocked the idiocy of cable news and the Republican party. Watching this now through the lens of Obama being elected is hilarious. Hilariously scary that people thought she would have been a good V.P.

So Long, BVD Boy

Some of you may recall this story from earlier in October in this space. It was a warm and fuzzy tale of a guy in an office just trying to use the restroom, and instead getting a full-on show of male semi-nudity with little regard for office environment. It is still a conversation topic for a couple of my co-workers.

Well it looks like the headliner has played his last gig. We got word a couple weeks ago that an employee of one of the subletters was having his last day, and not knowing any of their names, my friend Kristin and I feared that BVD Boy was the one who was leaving. Turns out I think it is true. I have not seen the guy in awhile (neither in the halls nor with dropped trou) so I think he hath taken his show to another location. They have no idea what they are in for. Wish I could say I will miss him, but I won't.

Kristin has also now supplied with me new fodder, pointing out another subletter who when she coughs or sneezes makes a barking/yelping sound that border collies might mistake for a sign of friendship. I'll keep you posted.

Holy Creep Out, It's Catman

My buddy Kelly lives down in Dupont Circle, and while it's a great condo that he has lived in for the last seven or so years, the real special treat of the apartment is the front porch.

You see, his building started taking care of this stray black cat. Sounds nice, except this stray cat has a knack for killing rats and pretty much keeping the property safe from evildoers. This cat is a badass. And I am allergic to cats, so that is saying something.

Well, one of the residents in Kelly's building has taken a special interest the cat. And I mean a special interest. After a couple years of watching this guy, it's clear there is something between him and that cat. It's a mix of one part Dr. Evil and two parts freaky. As Janeane Garofalo once said, "You can love your pet, you just can't love your pet."

I snuck a snapshot of this guy stroking the cat not unlike something out of a perverted Godfather scene. Even walking by him and saying hi elicits no response from him. He's in a feline world all to himself. Maybe he's holding out to be king when cats take over the world. Good luck to you, pal.

Yes We Did!

I'll keep this short. I'm stunned into something many I know would not think possible from me: a lack of speech.

I'm so overwhelmed with happiness and joy and celebration that I am at a loss for words. This country is ready and has now said it is ready for a new time. It is a time I look forward to, and I time I cannot summon the proper words to describe.

Barack Obama is our president. And I have never been happier to be a citizen of this nation.

It is time for change. It begins today.

Monsters Vs. Aliens

OK, I have a little bit of a soft-spot for animated movies. Not all of them mind you (Toy Story, Monsters, Inc., Care Bears, and many others I cannot stand), but I'd be a lying fool if I said I didn't have some that I truly enjoy watching. The Incredibles, for one, is just hilarious and well done (Edna Mode is a classic character). Bee Movie was surprisingly entertaining. Wall-E, The Simpsons Movie, Finding Nemo, Wallace and Gromit, Nightmare Before Christmas. Stuff that seems like a kids movie but has a great bent of humor for adults to enjoy.

Now, I won't say this movie is going to out-and-out hilarious, but based on the cast roster (not your usual assortment of A-listers getting a fat check) and this funny trailer, it looks like it has Incredibles-like promise. I think the comical play on classic monsters has some solid potential.

Creepy And Cool All Over

I'll get half-sappy for a moment. One of my big mentors (though he never really knew it) is my buddy Bill. He's a bigshot photog on Capitol Hill. I knew a lot of the photographers at the newspapers I worked at, but Bill and I were cool with the same punk bands and making fun of our co-workers Sheila and Kelly.

When I first started taking interest in photography, Bill was cool about it, but I am sure he was skeptical and probably heard that from lots of people he knew. It did take me awhile to get my first camera and some basic gear, but I think that showed him that I wasn't insane. Then it was a matter of showing him that I wasn't a total hack.

After that was proven, he started offering to have me tag along with him on photo shoots so I could see how he works. One of the shoots we went on was at this abandoned asylum/juvenile hospital out in Maryland outside DC. It was not exactly kosher for us to be on the property, so we got to play the role of photographers and spy at the same time, which added some intrigue to the afternoon.

The light was amazing that day, and the rooms, hallways and various buildings we snuck through were amazing spaces. Some great chipped walls and ashen floors. Chairs still lingered in knooks and other creepy aspects were interesting and scary to find. One building was clearly the isolation ward, and it did not look like a fun place to spend an hour, let alone a sentence. Another was the medical care center, which still had a bunch of "equipment" strewn everywhere, stuff that I'm glad there was not a woman around to comment on.

Everything just looked like the whole place was functioning on a Tuesday, everyone went home and just never came back. Totally deserted. Among the most shocking was all the log books still all over the place, describing inmate activities and all sorts of things I found disturbing. I wish we had gone back for more visits to better document the grounds and the place as a whole, but we were only there for about 5 or 6 hours. Here's the first batch of photos I'll show you. Next week I will share the second batch. My personal favorite is the one above, this ultra-spooky nursery where rusted cribs were stacked around. The one we shot had just this stream of light from a doorway painting it, and it really had a creepy feel.

As always, hope you like the slideshow. Thanks to Bill for the inspiration and constant goading to keep shooting. If you want to see any of my other work, check out a gallery from the menu over on the top right.