Trailer Love

They are calling it The Mangasm.

A movie that action fans have always wondered about: What kind of movie would you make if you got all the action movie stars from three generations of movies and put them together? Well, we are about to find out.

I mean, check out this roster of people starring in this movie called The Expendables:

Sylvester Stallone
Dolph Lundgren
Jet Li
Jason Statham
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Steve Austin
Eric Roberts
Mickey Rourke
Danny Trejo
Bruce Willis
Terry Crews
Randy Couture

The only ones they are missing are Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris and Michael Dudikoff. But you gotta respect that lineup above. Plus, you know this movie is going to break any and every record for bad one-liners and unintentional comedy. Heavy PED usage to make old men looked ripper? You betcha. Stretched and tightened skin with leathery tans? Sure 'nough. Awful looking haircuts? Check. Bad metal music? Trailer already has you covered. The only thing that's missing for me is if Billy Zabka shows turns out to be the mastermind of the whole thing.

Anyway, this movie is comical beyond belief, and while I probably won't spend the money to see it in the theaters (unless there is copious amounts of alcohol consumed beforehand), this has instant classic written all over it. Check out the trailer, and be prepared for laughter.

When Nature Attacks

I used to love those commercials for the When Animals Attack! videos, you know, the ones where a deer gets pissed off because the hunter is drunk and can't shoot straight so it decides to beat the crap out of him. Or when, as Chris Rock says in lampooning the Sigfried and Roy debacle, that the tiger went tiger.
Nature decided to fight back this time, right down the street from my house. A family saw that their tree was leaning a little too much, so they called in a specialist to cut down the tree (which was a solid 40-feet tall at least. The morning it was to be cut down, the specialist called and said the winds were too high, making it unsafe for the cutters to go up in the crane. So they postponed it for a day.

Less than 2 hours after the call was made, the tree decided it had had enough and went hari kari, crushing the fence, taking out some powerlines and blocking the street for about 27 hours (click the photo to embiggen). Amazingly, and thankfully, no one was hurt and the tree actually fell right in between the two houses on the other side of the street, only breaking a couple windows and tearing up some shingles.

Of course, in Takoma Park (or Middle Earth, as Kelly calls it), this became the Sight of The Day, and everyone within a mile radius had to come over and check out the tree. And then they all rushed home and started calling arborists to check on their trees. Because you never know when trees decide to not take it anymore. And then they fight back.

Friday Funnies

Because even though it's old and you may have seen it before, it's a classic and if you can't laugh at this then I don't know what to do with you other than shake my head.

My Cats Storm New Orleans, Part 2

If you missed part 1, check it out here. Otherwise, here's how the rest of the weekend played out.

Friday was an off day for the Cats, so it was all about drinking, gambling, watching the other games, drinking, and drinking. We did a good job holding down the drinking part, that is for sure. Nothing outlandish in the sense of either Dan or I turning on the wood chipper on Bourbon Street. Instead, it was amazing steadfast, sustained drinking. Started at around 10:30 a.m. with a some bloody mary's at a dive called the Erin Rose (solid joint, check it out if you are ever there). We ended up talking to the bartender (she was on her 8th actual day of work there after being a customer there for three years, so clearly she knew her way around).

Soon after that, we decided to take the plunge and make our way to the casino. We weren't going in with big bankrolls or anything, just enough to get a taste and see if we had some good luck going at the craps tables. No dice. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't pretty either. It was rather surprising to see how high stakes the tables were at 1 in the afternoon. We were hoping to roll easy on some poor man's $5 tables, but they weren't around so we had to roll with the big boys. And no one was rolling well. Of course, this was aided by about 20 minutes of the most classic O'Neill Theory moments ever. For those just tuning in to the blog, my buddy Dan is uncanny in is ability to predict things, only to have them end up the exact opposite. This is so true that years ago I coined it the O'Neill Theory and friends, our fantasy football league and even his wife acknowledge its power. When his daughter gets to speaking age, I'm teaching her about the O'Neill Theory first (unless I unfortunately teach her to curse first). Anyway, Dan was killing me, saying things like, "I can see a run coming of like 5 straight points" or "I've been hitting 9 all day" and the inevitable, "This guy is gonna win me some money I'm tellin ya." Needless to say, no one hit a point for the 30 minutes before we left, Dan never hit that 9 and that 'guy' crapped out in 2 rolls. It was so painful to watch I couldn't stop laughing. Love Dan for that stuff; he never lets me down.

The only other noteworthy thing of that night was drinking even more and then checking out some great live jazz. The drinking was aided by a combination of the open container law in New Orleans so you can just wander aimlessly with a drink and not get in trouble with the 5.0, and then enabled further by the bars who all have a Buy 1 Beer, Get 2 Free deal. So for $4.50, you got three beers. And this wasn't PBR either, this was quality local-brewed Abita IPAs. Trouble, that's all I can say. The jazz was sweet, too. Just an excellent music scene that actually doesn't get as much attention as it should, in my opinion. Up and down the French Quarter are these little divey spots where bands are just killing in, and instead everyone wanders drunkenly into dirty strip clubs and throws shitty beads at 50-year-old women hoping for some nudity. Hey, it's part of the experience, I'm not judging. But the music is where it's at. We spent a good time in this one spot listening to this band (pictured) that was really damn good and when their set was finished we learned they were just the opening act, which was nuts because those dudes should be headlining somewhere.

Saturday was all about gearing up for the big game, UK versus Wake. Pundits were picking Wake in the upset, and after a poor showing in the Thursday game, the UK fans swarmed to New Orleans and painted the area blue, which was awesome. Dan and I initially upgraded to some corner seats in the lower bowl, but then lucked out completely when two Baylor fans said we could sit next to them in the first row right behind the UK band.

Kick. Ass.

The view rocked (pic of Dan at the top gives you a sense of our view). The band was full of doughy band types except for one cute flutist girl who we all jokingly felt bad for since probably every guy in the band has tried to date her and been rejected harshly. Plus, the low seats gave us an excellent view of the UK bench and the celebs in attendance. Some semi-famous rapper named Drake was decked out in UK gear. Actor Steve Zahn was wearing the blue and white (he's shooting the HBO show Treme, but I had no idea he liked UK). And then, of course, was Ashley.

Ashley Judd. The No. 1 UK fan on the planet in terms of celebrity, and she may not be my favorite actress, but she's hot and she loves UK, so I'm sold. Everyone wanted to get a photo with her, but luckily my time to shine came as halftime was ending and she walked right in front of us. She looked and Dan and I, made eye contact, said a nice loud, "Go Cats!" and gave each of us high fives as she passed. Awesome.

Anyway, UK won both games, and considering we made all the plans in about 30 minutes three days before we left for New Orleans, I'd say we did quite well. Stoked we decided to go for it and make the trip happen. Good times.

Idiot of the Day XIII

This is an Idiot of the Day post, New Orleans style.

While watching the Thursday games last week in our nice lower level seats, one row down and four seats away was this guy (pictured at right). He was taking in the action along with the rest of us until the first TV timeout of the game when he started taking some other action.

On the sidelines.

The ones in the cute outfits.

Yeah, the cheerleaders.

Now, look, whether you are pro-cheerleader/dance team or not, do what you want with that. I didn't care either way until the timeout ended and instead of refocusing back on the game, this dude reached into his pocket and pulled out some hunting binoculars and continued the creepy staring.

For the next 4 hours.

And it's not like it was a packed house where he could blend in. Oh no, this guy had a blazing red Maryland Terps hat and empty seats all around him. He was creepy staring through binoculars guy and he was not shy about it. It was just funny watching everyone stare at him from time to time and also to recognize his focus. He had elbows on knees and joints were locked in like he was hunting elk.

Just saying man, maybe you want to be a little less obvious if you're gonna be the creepy guy in the arena. People get their asses kicked doing stuff like that.

My Cats Storm New Orleans, Part 1

One of my items on The List (I refuse to call it a Bucket List because I'm not starring in some shitty movie with Jack Nicholson) is to attend a Final Four at least once, and preferably with UK playing in it. I have no idea if UK will make it this year with the talented team they have, but when my buddy Dan suggested we go to New Orleans for the first two rounds, I couldn't actually think of a reason why not to go.

UK basketball, live in the flesh? Check.
New Orleans? Double-check.
Copious amounts of drinking due to an open container law? Triple-check.
New Orleans has a casino? Let's make that four checks.
A bevy of oysters, gumbo and other cajun food delights? That's a handful of checks everyone.

There are more to cover, but let's be honest, after the seeing UK play in an NCAA Tournament game, the first two reasons were enough.

Getting hotels, flights and tickets proved more troublesome to get mainly based on timing. Everything had to be done in about 30 minutes because flights were selling out fast and by the end of it we had flights that left DC and New Orleans at 7 a.m. and 6 a.m. (brutal).

Once we got there, it was pretty much all basketball, all the time. Buying tickets gets you into every game that is played in the host city, so we got to spend the first day watching ODU beat ND and then watch an epic clusterfuck of coaching by the boys at Texas-Wake Forest.

What stood out in the Old Dominion-Notre Dame game was how brutal it must have been for the Irish to be playing at noon the day after St. Patty's Day. That's just mean. Plus, whether it was crappy fans or too much alcohol, the Irish fans were nowhere to be seen. Come on, Irish, I know it's not the Sugar Bowl, but it is the Big Dance and you gotta come represent. Crap, the ODU faithful outnumbered them 3-1 easily just with a cursory glance. Sitting with a bunch of Baylor and other UK fans, we joked about how bad ND's star Luke Harangody played and how he looked so fat he could have doubled the Irish crowd if he took a seat in row 6. Good times. ODU won beat the Irish, or maybe I should say the Irish lost to a combination of a small school and a hangover.

Watching the Wake-Texas overtime game was awesome, because it was like watching two 4-year-olds try and coach a team. Neither coach seemed to want to win the game, and were actively attempting to get booed out of the arena by their own fans. Reinforced my happiness that we didn't hire Rick Barnes, who was on the shortlist before we hired Calipari.

We upgraded our seats and sat about 10 rows behind the ETSU bench for the Thursday night game. As you can tell from the picture at the top, there were plenty of seats in front of us and we could have served the ETSU players a few beers and some chips while they got hammered by Eric Bledsoe and the rest of the Cats. All-in-all, a good start to the trip.

Back soon for Part 2 ...

Game On: Week of March 11

Here is my column from a couple weeks ago. I reviewed Battlefield: Bad Company 2 and Final Fantasy XIII.

Game On: Week of March 4

Here is my column from a couple weeks ago. I reviewed Heavy Rain and Endless Ocean: Blue World.

Off to the Big Easy

I'm off to New Orleans for the next few days. Going to experience something I have never done, the NCAA Tournament. Sure, it's only the first two rounds, but it's a start. UK is playing, and if all goes well I shall return from New Orleans a happy man and ready to cheer on the Cats in the Sweet 16. Of course, The O'Neill Theory is going with me, which could make for all sorts of gambling/hoops troubles that I don't even want to get started on. So here's hoping that the hoodoo down there works its wonders on him and we don't get Dan making any bold prognostications.

Am going down there sans laptop, so I will try and post updates remotely if I can. Otherwise, a roundup of the happenings will be in the offing when I return.

Oh yeah, and Go Cats.

Man Card Member, No. 404431

Yeah, I'm a little desperate for a man-style pick-me-up. For weeks I've got all sorts of dudes showing up at 7 a.m. and working all damn day on my house. Some are handling the kitchen remodel. Others did a nice upgrade to our electrical systems. Another group came in and came and redid our HVAC system. Many of these teams of workers are working on Saturdays even. I want to watch TV, play games and veg on Saturdays, and these dudes come in and bang out some great work. So I end up coming in day after day and feeling like a schlub.

So I'm taking a major stretch and giving myself a man card pat on the back for following directions. We got these industrial strength shelves for our laundry machine closet. Nothing special at all. Seriously, I could put 12 of these together in an hour I think. But, damnit, I needed to feel like I can construct something with my hands and drink a beer afterward (which I did). So there you go.

Shelves. By Campbell.

Damn I'm pathetic.

The Committee Will Come to Order

I didn't get to raise my hand and swear on a bible. I didn't get to consult an attorney and do that cool thing where you cover up the mic with your hand when consulting a lawyer. I didn't get to be like Alberto Gonzalez and repeat the phrase "I don't recall ..." 768 times in one hearing. I didn't get to be a Code Pinker and scream bloody murder and act the fool in front of people just so I could get on TV. I didn't get to bring out someone's brother and be cleared for running a mob family. I didn't get to have a scene with Gary Shandling and Robert Downey, Jr. in which I proclaim to have brought peace to the world.

Nope, I didn't get to do any of those things.

But I did get to attend my first Senate hearing on Capitol Hill last week, and it was pretty cool. I won't go into all the details, but one of our project partners was testifying before a subcommittee and I got to go and play the role of Jimmy Olsen, intrepid photographer.

The hearing was cool, I got to roam around freely in the photog's well and take whatever pics I wanted to, and got to listen to a bunch of senators act like they know what's best for the world. Some of them had interesting points to make, while others got a little too high and mighty over the effects of a bill on one small hardware store in a remote town (yeah, I'm talking to you Sen. Murkowski; you're OK for all I know, but no one gives a damn about how the general store in Ketchikan, Alaska -- population 7,368 -- is going to handle Home Star energy replacements).

Anyway, I digress. Stacey (photo), the one who I was primarily there to photograph, kicked ass. She answered some tough questions and stood out far and above compared to the 5 other white guys who all said stuff that more closely resembled Charlie Brown's teacher.

The other big takeaway I got from the event was checking out the little intricacies. Like, for instance, there is a person whose sole job is to place and take away the placards for the senators when they enter and exit chambers. You know, because why would taxpayers ever want to know who bailed on the meetings we pay them to attend? Best of all, they keep all the placards in this tray, and when I glanced over, there was one name I couldn't help noticing:


That's right, our favorite dickhead, asswipe, society-hating, dementia-filled jackass senator from my home state of Kentucky. If you haven't been paying attention lately, Bunning has been quite an asshole lately, and making it his personal mission to fuck over every citizen in the nation. So it was doubly shameful for him not to show up. 1) Because I have a blog and can rant about his inability to make a 10 a.m. meeting; and 2) Stacey is from Kentucky and works in Morehead, Ky., on behalf of citizens nationally and locally on housing issues. She's from your home state dickweed, at least have the common courtesy to show up and thank a constituent who's testifying. That bear claw got you a little choked up that morning? What an asshole. (p.s., Stacey in no way endorses or knows about my feelings on Bunning, so she's exempt from anything I say about him; still doesn't change the fact that I loathe him.)

Anyway, way to kick some ass, Stacey, and I look forward to going back to the Hill someday to photograph more hearings. That is, unless Bunning sees this and has me detained.

My Cooking Space VII

At least I have somewhere to put the milk now. We're hosting relatives for the next week and while we can't exactly cook them a meal, we can at least have a place for them to stash some drinks and snacks if they so desire. As you can see, the new kickass fridge resides where the pantry once existed. Oddly enough, the pantry is where the stairs to the basement used to exist, but the previous owners decided to move the stairs to the deck, so they covered up the old staircase and put a pantry into the kitchen. Always evolving these houses.

The fridge is a fancy GE Profile, which of course makes my mom happy, as she is a GE employee and likes to joke that each GE appliance we have purchased during this remodel is saving a couple jobs. Both funny and equally depressing a comment, if you ask me. The other main thing worth mentioning is that my fridge right now is emptier than Kelly's, and that is something to behold because Kelly never has jack in his fridge besides a bunch of condiments and some butter.

My Cooking Space VI

It's been a week since I last updated the world on the kitchen remodel. And don't think it's because I don't care. Honestly, it's because I haven't had much to report. I know tons of stuff has been happening, but it's all little electrical things and stuff that doesn't exactly make for sex blog postings.

But when I came home Thursday night I had a nice little surprise: our new fridge had been installed (pics coming later) and cabinets have been installed where the old fridge was located (pictured above). For the untrained eye, what makes our contractor such a badass is that if you look closely, he reused the previous cabinets to fill in the old spots. So the cabinets above the fridge in the Before pic are not built out and down level with the countertop, and he simply moved the overhead cabinets on the left in the Before pic to the right. Later on, we'll be installing a pot rack on the left to keep the kitchen more open looking. I love that we were able to recycle the cabinets instead of having to make new ones and then just turning the old ones into scrap. That may be standard operating procedure, but I was excited about it.

Friday Funnies XXIV

While we continue to go through the kitchen remodel, I look forward to the future and seeing how it will all look in the end. At least I know it can't end up like this. I know this. I ... do. I'm shutting up before a massive jinx occurs.