What I've Watched: The League of Ordinary Gentlemen

Not long after my bowling outing with friends, I had a nagging feeling that out there, somewhere, was a documentary about this sport. And because of my psychotic love for documentaries about odd things (Darkon, Bingo, Trekkies), I found one that came out not too long ago called The League of Ordinary Gentlemen.

This is pure gold for people who grew up in the Midwest, where bowling was something we may not have done every weekend as a kid in the '80s, but it was something we did often enough that even our schools had bowling outings because it was cheap, it kept everyone engaged, and everyone was contained in a large room with little chance of escape.

This movie has it all. Drama? You bet. Well, drama if you consider watching washed-up bowlers in the 40s try to reclaim their glory. On a bowling alley of all places, and when it fails they walk 20 feet and start setting up their karaoke machines for the side business they're running (yes, this happens). Comedy? Absolutely. Especially when the wife of one of the bowlers gives probably the moneyshot line of the whole flick, but I'm not going to spoil it for you (just wait until she's wearing the nearly hand-stitched American flag sweater ... then you know priceless material is coming up.

One of the good parts early on is when the new marketer/president of the PBA gives a pep talk to the bowlers in a preseason meeting. Pretty sure Lombardi and William Wallace would have taken notes from this guy.

Idiot of the Day

As you read recently, I visited the bowling alley for the first time in several years, and amongst the strikes, spares, copious amounts of fried food offerings and beer, you knew there had to be an idiot in the house. You just knew it.

This crazy lady brought her kid to the lanes for a little family entertainment. You know, because nothing says quality family time like bringing your 6-year-old to the bowling alley on a Sunday at 10 p.m. Nothing.

And you know when good parenting is taking place when she does a number of first-class mother moves. Like, for instance, letting him chuck 8 balls down the lane with no bumpers at a speed a slug could outpace. Or maybe it was letting him down the 64-ounce soft drink at 10 at night when the kid should be, oh I dunno, sleeping. Or, and this was the best, standing there watching the kid while he stuck he head into the ball return chute. You know, the one the flings the ball from under the floor at a steady 25 mph. Yeah, bitch stood there and laughed as her kid jammed his head down the thing begging to have his face crushed. Douglass, Kelly and I were in abject fear we'd see our first face removal. What an idiot.

My Return to the Lanes

At the tail end of the President's Day weekend, some friends invited me to return to the lanes. The bowling lanes. This was my first trip to a bowling alley in probably 3 years. It's not something I do all that often, and when I do I admit to being pretty bad at it. Not sure why, though, since everyone throughout time (and again this night) remarked about how good my form and follow-through is (if only my picture-perfect form was followed up with some strikes).

In any event, I still enjoy bowling a good deal. It's cheap, it's fun and it's one of those sports that both guys and gals can play together without anyone feeling like they were mercy-picked for a team. Hell, one girl brought her own ball with hearts and shit all over it, and she whipped a lot of us so there you go.

I was group with Kelly and his girl Mel B. I clearly should have stopped after my first game, because for some reason I was feeling it and scored probably my best game of bowling ever. According to the wife apparently I've bested this score before several times (including a 160-something once that included some rather annoying self-congratulations). Either way, I was surprised by my opening stanza.


Hell yeah, and I even scored an early victory over Kelly. That wasn't going to last, though. Because soon enough, he was throwing strikes. Lots of 'em.



By the end of the night, Kelly was pulling away. I hung around most of the time, but in 5 total games he won the matchup 3-2. Pulling up the rear was Mel B in most of the contests, but damn she turned it on in the last game, and was in a fierce battle with him until the end. He even went so far as to break the boyfriend code and started cheering in front of everyone when she screwed up and messed up a frame. Cold stares from Mel B, believe me. Overall he was good, though, and if you listen closely you can hear his "looks good!" before she gets robbed of a strike.




In the end, she came up just short of beating him. I hope I'm there when she does; that will be good times. The rest of the night was filled with listening to bad music (I think they had a Journey-techno remix on shuffle all night) and laughing about the bowling alley's assortment of food offerings, like fried clams, fried cheese, more fried cheese, friend oysters and french fries. There was no lettuce or vegetables in sight, believe me. Classic bowling alley.