My Damn Deer

One of the trials of living in Takoma Park is dealing with wildlife. In just three years of living here, we have (on continual occasions) seen squirrels, raccoons, mice, deer and foxes traipsing through our yard.

Drives me nuts. Because let's be honest, Kelly may call my neighborhood Middle-Earth because he can't imagine anyone going more than five blocks for anything in the city, but it's not like I live in pure farmland. I actually live closer to a Metro station than any of my friends (except Douglass) so it's insane that I have to listen to raccoons fighting with the foxes at night over who gets to setup shop in my backyard (hint: the raccoons won and the foxes now live about six houses down).

These damn deer are just up to no good. We had to build a makeshift deer fence (OK, the wife's cousin made it ... he's smart like that) just to keep the damn things from treating our garden like the Blue Boar buffet line. Just the other week, the wife's uncle and aunt came to DC for a visit and I showed him this video that I took a couple days prior in our backyard.



I'm just glad I didn't become this guy. See, the damn deer doesn't give a shit about me walking about 11 feet away from it. It's Honey Badger Deer for all I know. I showed him that video, and his eyes lit up. Her uncle's an avid hunter. He may be a board-certified spinal surgeon during the day, but by golly he saw that deer on the video and said, "Hell at that range I wouldn't even need to use bullets. I could just beat it death with barrel." I think he is exploring real estate options in our neighborhood as we speak.

Fuck You, Deer

For months I have been planning a post about my garden. It rocked. I was growing three varieties of basil. I had 8 tomato plants kickin some ass. I had three zucchini plants a growin, plus two squashes to keep them company. Two bell pepper plants, two jalepenos, some swiss chard, lemongrass and rhubarb to boot. I was feeling a chest-thumping Man Card post coming along once the harvest really started coming in. An for awhile we reaped the benefits. But I held off knowing a big harvest was coming down the pike.

That is, until the motherfuckin deer came along.

I seen these bastards before, and up until last week I was a friend of Bambi and his pals. When they clopped along in my neighbor's yards and I watched them go about their merry deer way, I was fine with it. When they made weird deer-love sounds in the woods behind my condo at 3 a.m. back when we lived in Cleveland Park, I shook it off and went back to sleep. When my mom was in town a couple months ago and we watched five big-sized deer hop into our backyard and then laughed as Oliver chased them around, I laughed and thought it was cool. I thought we had an understanding.

But those sum-bitches done torn up my garden, and now it's on. One night like a pack of wolves they came over and chowed down. Ate damn near everything, and left some serious plant carnage that made the wife want to cry. That is, until pure rage overwhelmed her and now she's half-joked about building a tree blind and sniping these bastards.

So now it's all about keeping out the deer. We've found some good deer fences, and hopefully in a couple weeks we'll get her cousin to help set them up. We're trying some other preventative measures for now, but they've decimated the garden, so there is not much worth protecting. I may have to start meeting Kelly again for some Big Buck Hunter action to sharpen my skills.

Either way, it's on, deer. I wish Tommy Boy had killed you when he had the chance. And I know this guy always knows the right things to say when bagging on animals.