My Fear of This Food

Look, I try to eat well. I'm not the best, and I have my vices (pretzels, pretzels and pretzels). I also like to partake or my ribs recipe and the good taste of bourbon. I also like to enjoy the fact that living in DC allows me to never (in the 10 years I've been here) have to eat at a chain restaurant and if that makes me sound elitist then I'll gladly take that bullet. But there are times that I honestly don't understand people and the food they eat.

Today I learned of four new foods out there on the market, and they go beyond the pale of just laughably disgusting. Because just like that piece of shit chicken sandwich that KFC came up with, you have to remember that these places research and focus group the hell out of this stuff. And there is no way they are putting out this horse feces (which is what this stuff reads like) without already knowing there is a heavy dose of jackasses (probably all in Kentucky and Ohio) that will lap it up and ask for more.

Here are the offenders that make me weep for the human race:

Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt with wavy fries and marinara
1,260 calories
63 g fat (21 g saturated, 1 g trans)
3,010 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 18 T.G.I. Friday’s Frozen Cheddar & Bacon Potato Skins

Fried cheese inside a grilled cheese? Come on, that's just ruining a perfectly good grilled cheese. Not that I can imagine a Denny's grilled cheese being particularly good (definitely not better than the ones my mom makes), but why throw soggy fried cheese inside of it? That is just messed up.

Friendly’s Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt
1,500 calories
97 g fat (38 g saturated)
2,090 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 15 Snickers Kudos Granola Bars

This is one of the biggest offenders I have ever seen. This almost puts that KFC chicken sandwich to shame. Looking at that picture, you want to smack whoever sees this thing and says, 'hey, there's 1/8th an inch of tomato on there, that's healthy!' Or maybe they use wheat bread on those grilled cheeses, but I'm doubting it. Plus, I love anything that makes you say, "wow, I might as well eat 15 snickers bars in one setting."

Uno Chicago Grill Lobster BLT Thin Crust Pizza
1,530 calories
87 g fat (30 g saturated)
3,480 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 51 Nabisco Ginger Snap Cookies

Again, go ahead and sit down. Then open up a pack of Nabisco's and eat 51 straight in an hour or less. Go for it. I love lobster, and DC right now is loving this lobster truck that makes apparently fantastic lobster rolls (people wait in line for more than an hour for one -- I bailed after waiting 30 minutes and the line never moved), but there is no way I am taking this on.

Applebee’s Provolone-Stuffed Meatballs with Fettuccine
1,550 calories
97 g fat (46 g saturated)
3,910 mg sodium
CALORIE EQUIVALENT: 148 Whoppers Malted Milk Balls

Applebee's, the food your arteries fear. Because much like the Olive Garden, you know this place's goal is to pump you full of stuff you don't need this much of, and can't properly digest either. Kelly loves Sour Patch Kids and Skittles, but I don't think even he could eat 148 of either in less than an hour. I think that's a challenge actually. I want to see Kelly devour 148 Skittles in less than an hour. I know he can do it, but I think seeing it might make me throw up.