Some Positivity, For Once ... Apparently

So Kristin tells me that while she enjoys my blog very much, apparently all I do is bitch about stuff. Well, I will do my best to throw in some positivity, if only to get her off my back. Her life is all roses ... well ... except for her penchant for constantly banging her head into things. Thanks for keeping me in check, though. Much appreciated.

A Snow/Ice Rebuttal, If You Please

For those outside the DC area, you need to know that our fair leader of the free world caused a bit of stir when he announced yesterday that DC, as Kelly put it, full of snow pansies. This is because the entire city and region halted to a standstill when a wimpy amount of snow fell, followed by some icy stuff that ruined all the potential sledding/snowball fun we could have had.

Now, I'm down with Obama, and being a Bears fan, I have no problem with him pointing out how strong-willed the Chicagoans are in dealing with harsh weather. I'm not denying that, but if I may, I am going to point out a few things to Kelly that he may want to consider.

1) Chicago gets about 9,000,000,000,000 inches of snow and ice per year, which means they are used to seeing it every damn day. DC gets like one foot TOTAL in a winter season, and before Inauguration Day, a good chunk of those residents were stupid Texans and other like-minded fools who probably thought the snow was the Roland Emmerich prophecy fulfilled.

2) Since Chicago sees nearly 5 million percent more snow than we do, and have since the dawn of time, it's no surprise that they have built up quite the infrastructure to deal with such matters. Let's compare this to DC, which can't even manage its own budget or put together even a meaningful school system. You think they can seriously organize more than 5 snow plows? Please.

3) I'm no rocket scientist (even though Kelly thinks of me as a pseudo-deity). But I have to think that once you get X amount of ice on the road, sidewalks, etc., everything becomes impassable. Chicago is all strong because they don't close even if a foot or more of snow falls? Well la de frickin da. When ice coats surfaces, nothing can grip or walk/drive/ride on it. Why? Because it's ice. Maybe DC residents are just smart enough not to bother driving on roads that aren't safe driving on. OK, that does imply wisdom in DC people, and that probably isn't right, either.

4) DC residents are complete morons, and can't trusted to brave the weather if they could. Yesterday, during the peak of sidewalk inaccessibility, I did my best not to slip a disc taking my dog for a walk. What did I see but not one, but two women poorly handling the ice while texting on their cell phones. So we close the city down to (in some effort) keep the stupid people from hurting themselves and others. But Chicago people can't be called too smart either, they did elect this moron to two terms.

So in the final verdict, I say it's a wash. Yeah, Chicago gets a ton of crappy weather. But just because the schools don't always close don't make them He Man in waiting. DC doesn't get a pass, however. They cannot be properly defended because Congress won't give us statehood, and when we just kicked out a president who took more than 900 days of vacation while in office, snow or rain or sunshine. When in doubt, remember ... we'll all idiots.

Creepy And Cool All Over, Part 2

It's been awhile since I last shared some of my HDR photography, so here is another gallery for you all to enjoy. You may have seen my first gallery from the abandoned asylum in Maryland that Bill and I got some great shots from. Well, here is a second batch of photos. As always, feel free to use the drop-down menu on the right-hand side of the page to access from of my other galleries that I have posted.

Greening My Mother

For Christmas this year my mom got my sister and I "green gifts." Because she knows Chelsea and I embrace the green movement fervently, this seemed to be her attempt to show that she pays attention to us when we talk. I don't blame her, most of the time my sister only talks about drinking with her friends and I am usually going on about how much I hate W and why living in DC is fun. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to imagine her zoning out every once and awhile.

But when she gave us our green gift, she made the point of saying this was her first foray into the green lifestyle. I spent the next few days looking around the house and realizing my mom has indeed not embraced the movement. And that is when I knew I had a project for the year. I've got other projects and things planned as well, but this one is of top priority, because I subscribe to the mantra that movements start from the ground up. And there is no better way to keep the green movement growing than by simply helping those closest to you embrace it as well.

My first task is a simple one ... get my mother to replace all her lightbulbs with the energy-saving compact fluorescents. As far as I could see, she didn't have a single one, and there are a lot of lights in our house. Completely unacceptable. Plus, for pete's sake, she works for General Electric, and they MAKE the damn bulbs. She can probably get them for free by stealing them out of a supply closet where all the pen, paper clips and notebooks are kept, for all I know.

So get ready, mom. Greening you is one of my projects for the year. Yes, I have no problem shaming you into change.

What I've Watched: The Wrestler

This movie struck the right tone for Dan and I because we were in fact the best type of people to see it. Look, we're both guys who were raised primarily by TV in the '80s. Tom & Jerry, GI Joe, Transformers (not the over-the-top, unrecognizable Michael Bay stuff, the real thing), The Muppets and Saturday morning wrestling. Before it became the Monday Night megacraziness and McMahon changed the name to WWE and stuff like that, Saturday mornings were the best time watch Ric Flair and others in shoddy VFW halls banging out would could not have been more than $150 paychecks.

So watching Mickey Rourke play a washed-up '80s wrestler trying to keep the dream alive is just very real for me, because it's a story Dan and I can see when looking today at the faces of Flair, Sting and others whose prime has long since past. When Rourke plays with a toy figurine of himself 20 years later, you can feel the passion slowly being sapped from him. And in the climactic scene when he must make a potentially fatal choice, you know there is only one real choice to make, even if its a false one. Plus, and many others have noted this, it's Mickey Rourke, a washed-up '80s actor trying to keep the dream alive.

The film is not all perfect, though. The storyline with the daughter (an always reliable Evan Rachel Wood) would have been a lot better had it had more room and dialogue to breathe. It just starts and gets wrapped up much too quickly and easily. The relationship with Marisa Tomei's stripper character is much stronger.

The movie is at its best when you are behind the scenes with the wrestlers plotting out the matches. Nothing seems fake during those scenes, and the improvs and pain they experience comes across exactly as we all thought it did when we watched wrestling in high school and college. Even those of us who have long abandoned it because of age, maturity and exhaustion from the steroids and offensive nature permeating throughout it, you cannot help but get wrapped up in the nostalgia. And when The Ram climbs to the top rope, there is no doubt we all want to jump off with him.

Keep Your Head On a Swivel

For those of you who have still missed the boat on The Office, shame on you. If you were not able to catch last week's The Duel episode, it was a classic. Two totally ludicrous characters, Andy and Dwight, fighting over the love of Angela, perhaps the single strongest example of a wet rag if there ever was one. Here's a deleted scene from the episode, where battle rules were being drawn.

In the Spirit of Things

Good timing perhaps, but today is MLK Day, and our new leader of the free world made repeated pitches to Americans to do something of service for those less fortunate or for the better good of the nation/world. Thinking that our participation in a birthday pub crawl for Maggie was not going to cut it (though it was damn fun and nice to hang out with some new people), we thought we should do more.

We cleaned out our closets and filled up 7 bags of clothes to donate to a global clothing charity. Donating the clothes to a local dropoff now means that some people in Africa, Asia and Latin America will be clothed, though in an odd way they will be looking awfully good in some of the clothes we donated. The organization is Planet Aid, so it's cool that our clothes are going to help people in other nations, not just those who are visiting the local Goodwill store.

The final tally in the 7 bags roughly came out to around 30 pairs of shoes, 4 suits, 3 coats and a huge ton of pants, shirts and sweaters I didn't bother counting. But I'm proud of us. Felt like we did our part, as our new lord and master commanded.

Someone Check His Pulse

Hey, wha ... wha ... where am I?

You stay classy, Dick(head) Cheney.


Yes, that was him dozing off less than 10 minutes into W's farewell address to the nation. Not the Insomniac's Society of America, the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Good lord, just go away.

Sinking the Boat

Yeah, that picture is of a boat full of sushi. A boat. Of sushi. The wife and I met two former colleagues of hers (from her law firm days) at our go-to neighborhood sushi restaurant. Everyone was craving sushi, and while I have seen the gigantic containers they give you the sushi in, I always thought that the boats on the shelf were a big tease, or for people who order an inordinate amount of sushi.

We did exactly that. And we sunk that bastard. Not a single piece survived.

What I've Watched: Wall-E

To call Wall-E a love story would be too trite. To say it's an environmental wake-up call to a generation of young viewers and their parents would place undue burdens on it. But to ignore that both of these themes resonate and are so strong and breath-takingly done would be to ignore what makes Wall-E a profound movie, something that you would expect from a Soderbergh or Spielberg or Scorcese, not an animated film.

I missed this movie in the theaters, and I am now ashamed of myself, because I can imagine how amazing this Pixar movie would have been stunning on the big screen. Watching it on Blu-Ray was kick ass, so I'm getting over that. For now I just want to strongly impress upon everyone to see this movie, even watch it a second time because it's basic messages of urgency in the environment, over-consumption of commercial goods and friendship/love are clear and enduring.

What is best about Wall-E, and other Pixar films like The Incredibles and Finding Nemo, is that they are not (in my opinion) kid's films. They are actually movies for adults that happen to be colorful, funny and timed so that children can enjoy them as well, and learn something from them at an early age. The send-ups to 2001 and Alien are of course out there for us to enjoy, but there are statements made throughout that just make this such a fun film to watch, and makes it a favorite for me to compete for Best Picture with Slumdog Millionaire.

Things I loved: 'you may have lost some bone mass' ... the cockroach ... learning to walk ... the cleaning robot ... the wall of captains ... VCR ... 'tell me about the sea' ... a fire extinguisher ... the fully charged tone ... remembering to hold hands ...

You have to be some kind of heartless beast to not get choked up at least once while watching Wall-E, and it's not cheeky sentimental moments. Wall-E hits the right notes at the right times and it's straightforward message is beautifully directed and scripted. Don't miss this movie. You'll be the poorer for it.

Missing the Point

So riding the Metro in DC is a simple task, really. Got on the train, ride the train, get off the train. Sure, the steps in between about getting farecards and such and knowing the map may be difficult for first-timers, but I'm really focusing in here on the basic understanding of the purpose and idea behind a city subway service.

Idiot train riders are normal, and I've learned to help them when possible and also ignore them more often than that. Imagine my joy when this loonball of a woman who was sitting in a seat near me tonight. I got on the train at Metro Center, she's already yelling into the phone; an early warning shot of lunatic behavior. She's informing someone of clearly high brain matter that she is running behind.

She proceeds to lose the call when we enter the tunnel (big surprise), and when she's totally exasperated as we enter the next station, she decides its a wise idea to call the same person again. Normal Metro trains stay in station for about 30 seconds. I'm needing a stiff drink by the time we depart Farragut North, because she's lost the call again. When she resumes the call at Dupont Circle, she's officially griping to the general world about how the train keeps stopping at every station.

Umm, pardon me miss. That's what the fucking train does!

The boys over at NASA haven't quite figured out teleportation yet. If you think the train is going too slow, by all means give a cab a shot. Rush hour is a perfect time to cover six or seven miles, as long as you don't need to get there before March.

I hate people sometimes.

Sheriff Asshole

Not sure if you pay attention to much outside your own area, but I do. And one thing I am getting real tired of is Lou Dobbs and all his asswipe cronies griping about how workers, both legal and illegal, are somehow ruining our country. Yeah, that lady cleaning your apartment is killing the fabric of America more than Madoff and Exxon. Sure, whatever.

Also high on my list of anti-immigrant assness is Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Arizona. He's a Class 1, Grade A dick. This guy has it out for Mexicans. Legal or illegal, he's got himself a posse (funded by Bush's Homeland Security money, no less) and they terrorize Mexican immigrants, even ones who are here legally. It's insane, and as I have said before, karma is a bitch, pal, so watch out.

Anyway, here's a video that scarily gets to the point of what this guy does. If this isn't blatant racial profiling, I need someone to better explain it to me. Also ... two of the victims are kids who have been forcibly taken from their mother, who sent off with federal immigration cops.


Stephen Lemons of the Phoenix Times News, thankfully, is a real reporter who is not letting Sheriff Asshole go without being called out when possible. He has a damn good blog to keep this guy in the spotlight. Well done, Lemons. Your blog alone should earn you a Pulitzer. But even the award is not enough to stay the pain that dickweed is inflicting on families.

Cryin Over ... Yep ... Spilt Milk

Decades I have been a loyal Mac user. For better or worse, I have stuck with them. I first used a Mac in the 5th grade at St. Raphael, where I went to school. Ever since, they had me at hello. I never had much luck with Windows-based machines. Macs have always been more intuitive and better for me. Screw the current ads and all the iPhone hype; when I first played Number Munchers and The Oregon Trail on that crappy Apple IIe, I was hooked.

I bring all this up because a little over week ago, I stumbled on one of my dog's toys on the floor and spilled a half a glass of milk on my laptop. Completely screwed it over and shot it all to hell. So I had to get a new one. It's what kept the blog silent for so long.

But do not worry. I have licked my wounds, the new machine is here and I made Kelly waste what seemed like 5 days trying to transfer my data from the busted machine to the new one. Luckily I am back at the keyboard and I have a plethora of topics to discuss. So watch out, I'm back baby.

Double Dose of Fantasy Awesomeness

I could not have asked for 2008 to end any better. OK, well, there are a few things I would like to not have happened, but I'm not going to get into them here, other than to say I wish I had not busted my tooth trying to be cool with the guys and I wish are particular person had not entered my life. But it happened, and whatever happens will be.

But what has made the close of 2008 so kick ass is my winning not one, but BOTH of my fantasy football leagues. For those who don't play FFL, this doesn't mean a thing to you, but suck it, because I'm stoked. For fantasy football players, you know how difficult it is just to make the playoffs sometimes, let alone be champ. I friggin won two leagues in one year. Yes, I am now a badass.

Winning my office league was not nearly as hard. About a fourth of the owners have little interest in football and had the common sense of a doorknob when it came to drafting and running a fantasy team. I really only had about 5 real competitors, and only two of them really had standout teams capable of giving me a real fight. One of them was my pal Kristin, who fought valiantly but I pulled off the miracle 2-point victory in the semis, which pretty much assured me the title, since Talitha's team had decent players but not nearly the firepower to handle my juggernaut squad. Thanks to all the NFL players who made Sex Panther the winning squad with a 12-3 record.

Winning the Mud, Sweat and Tears League, however, was nothing short of thrilling. You see, this is the league my friends Dan, Luke and I founded about 6 years ago. Over time, we've had many of our friends join in. We now have friends from Cincinnati, Florida, Kentucky, and DC all vying to be champ. And trust me, this is a seriously friggin league. We all know each other, so the shit talkin is at fever pitch for roughly 20 weeks straight. Nothing is off limits (my dog, being married, dainty hands and general lifestyle are all under constant bombardment). Making things worse, for the last several years I have been the league whipping boy. After one decent season, I was getting shellacked repeatedly. Getting four wins was my ceiling, and everyone treated me like the Division II school visiting a powerhouse.

I love this league. You need to wrap your head around the idea that for four years, I have written a weekly column in our league. Recapping the past week's games and using movie quotes and trashy humor to spur trash talk and general enjoyment. I went so far as to create a blog just for the league (sorry, folks, it's a private blog so you can't read it ... and neither can anyone's significant others or bosses). But I have always been creating the humor and also being the source of it, because of my general suckiness. But no longer.

I named my team Tremendous Upside, thinking it would get a chuckle from friends since I'm always the cellar dweller. But I followed through, having a solid draft and just week by week chalking up victories. Before I knew it, fellow owners were ranking me among the top teams in the league and I was sure they just teasing me. Then, the playoffs came and I had made it. Everything was icing on the cake, until I made the finals and then won a dramatic final game when I made a major roster change that everyone questioned but actually succeeded. And suddenly, I was king. The Big Cheese. Numero Uno Honcho.

So I won a nice wad of cash and for the next 330 days or so I am the badass of not one but two fantasy football leagues. Suck it, everyone. I rule.

Well, Crap

So two days after making me feel awesome to cheer for UK, the school punches me right back in the gut. We lost to hated rival UofL in hoops, a much bigger deal than winning a bowl game. Winning the bowl was sweet, but losing in hoops just means more. I feel sick. It's bad enough that now my buddy Seth will hang this over my head for yet another year. But it also just reinforces the ignorance and stupidity UK made in hiring Billy Gillespie. He's a terrible coach. I miss Tubby.

Ventrell Has a Nice Left

Hell yeah, the Cats won the Liberty Bowl. Sure, it's about 3 stages about a Toy Bowl game amongst 8-year-olds, but hey, it's a bowl game nonetheless. U of L didn't make a bowl game, so they can suck it. This victory was not an easy one, but the way it was sealed was nothing less than perfect:


I mean, damn! Mouthpiece jettisoned, knees buckled, a d-lineman jacking up the other team's QB on the way to a touchdown. I love it. Way to go Cats!