My Childhood, Bastardized

The fun never stops in Hollywood, at least when it comes to killing my childhood. I had heard about this remake awhile back, but somehow thought nothing of it when I never heard further and thought maybe, just maybe, the studio people had figured out that remaking a movie that was a definitive 80s classic and one of the best sports movies ever would be a gigantic mistake. Clearly they are still insane, because while I was surfing around the interwebs' tubes and pipes, I discovered the newly released trailer.

For The Karate Kid movie. Yeah, the new one.

And can I just say to the studio people who made it: Fuck you, and I'm never seeing this movie. Thanks, you're a wonderful crowd.

Young Elisabeth Shue, the creepy homo-erotic tension between Myagi and LaRusso that has been dissected ad nauseum. "Put him in a body bag! Yeah!" Sweeping the leg. The Cobra Kai. Sensei John Crease. The living legend of movie bad guys, Billy Zabka. This is a list that truly defines a movie's greatness, and some of those things you just can't make exceptions on. Especially Zabka, who has never failed to be one of the worst actors ever but always delivers when it comes to needing a take-it-to-11 kind of bad guy.

Take a look at the trailer for the remake:

What the hell is that? I'm pretty sure that isn't the karate my buddy Luke learned when he had a mullet and won trophies and got photos taken (all of which his mom still keeps up in his house ... brilliant). Plus, what kind of Cobra Kai is it when you have budding ninjas kicking ass? The Cobra Kai needs to be a bunch of WASPy kids training in a strip mall storefront, not learning the finer points of martial arts in China (like the one I'm sure Kelly trained in when he was becoming a 7th-degree blackbelt or whatever the hell he is). I call bullshit. Plus, it's hard to work in an Elisabeth Shue wannabe when the LaRusso character is being played by a 12-year-old. Oh, and did you notice that the kid is Will Smith's child? Fucking hell, that guy is moving up my shit list quick. It's bad enough he stopped making any movie worth watching, now he's passing the legacy onto his kid. And don't even get me started about how we're gonna get some Will Smith inspirational hip hop instead of what the original movie had for music:



That is classic stuff. Shame on you, Hollywood, for bastardizing my childhood and confirming once again how little creativity you all have to try and make original movies.