My Fantasy Title ... Again

I have to say, thus far my 2010 is closing strong. And one main reason for this is that Tuesday I clinched the championship in the Mud, Sweat & Tears fantasy football title.

This is a special title on many levels. For one, I won the league in a year in which my buddy Dan, the self-proclaimed Greatest Fantasy Football GM Ever, won a whopping two games. All season. It was a glorious season all on its own just for that fact alone. But being able to make him watch me grind my way through the playoffs and pull off a title victory is the sweetest icing on the cake possible.

The other main thing that makes this a great title for me is that it's the second in three years for yours truly. Three straight playoff appearances, and I've won the title in 2008 and now 2010. Kinda reminds me of the 1996-1998 Kentucky Wildcats, who won two national championships in three years. My fear with that comparison is that UK then went off and became the Team that Success Forgot for pretty much the next decade. Now that I think about it, scratch that comparison (I don't want to live with the fear of becoming irrelevant in fantasy football); I'll just take the titles and be happy.

My Cage Match

I have a bone to pick with Nic Cage. When I went to see the new Harry Potter movie, we saw a trailer for Season of the Witch, the new Nic Cage movie that looks about as awful as can be (he snarls, he speaks in terrible fake accents, he snarls and screams, etc.). When the '90s ended, things were looking bleak for Cage. He had released Snake Eyes and 8MM, two movies that made 1999 a laugher in terms of quality. So maybe we should have realized that he'd completely lost his mind and thus his stature with filmgoers. But, no, Hollywood kept giving this guy roles. If you need a real refresher, here's a 2-minute recap of his greatest moments in Snake Eyes, probably among the top 10 worst movies ever made. Ever ever ever ever ever.



And instead of committing to washing the stink of those two crap films from his clothes, he just went out and gave us a decade of shit. I mean it ... a whole decade of shit. In 10 years, starting in 2000-2010, he made exactly one movie that is worth remembering. When you see this list, I think you'll be able to point it out (I'll give you a hint, it starts with an 'A,' ends with an 'N' and is filled in the middle with 'daptio'):

2000: Gone in 60 Seconds The Family Man 2001: Captain Corelli's Mandolin Christmas Carol: The Movie 2002: Windtalkers Sonny Adaptation 2003: Matchstick Men 2004: National Treasure 2005: The Weather Man Lord of War

2006: The Ant Bully World Trade Center The Wicker Man 2007: Ghost Rider Next National Treasure: Book of Secrets 2008: Bangkok Dangerous 2009: Knowing G-Force Astro Boy The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans 2010: The Sorcerer's Apprentice Season of the Witch Kick-Ass

How about that? Seriously, beyond Adaptation, which was great, there was nothing of substance at all. Kick-Ass was a fun flick, but he only played a supporting role. Otherwise, he's more remembered for all the shit he did in these movies throughout the last decade, none more celebrated than the colossal failure that was the Wicker Man remake (which was so throttled by critics and audiences that a whole slew of spoof clips have shown up on YouTube).



The wife did want to point out that we both love Cage in Raising Arizona, a fine comedic film if there ever was one. But that was a long time ago ('87 to be exact), and he should have just left it at that movie.

Greening My Mother

It's been awhile since I've greened my mother, so it's time to bring back this popular feature, which is more about passing along green/eco tips to everyone, but putting my mother in the spotlight because ... well ... it's always enjoyable to poke fun at my mom. She knows it's from a place of love.

This time I'm here to talk about toothbrushes. You see, a company called Preserve has created a nifty little system where you can buy their toothbrushes – made from 100% recycled #5 polypropylene (same that is in old yogurt cups) – but when you are done with it, you mail the toothbrush back to them in the package you bought it in. It's already prepaid, so it's a great way to complete the circle of production instead of just tossing it in the garbage. And these toothbrushes are available at Whole Foods and Target and other stores, so it's not hard to come by and they are not expensive at all.


This is one of those rare occasions where I will not be walking the walk because I am hopelessly addicted to my Braun rechargeable toothbrush, but I know many of you use standard toothbrushes so this is a great way to make a simple switch and make another great stride toward a better world.

Nice Effort

Normally I don't pay much attention to the halftime band at a college football game. Like everyone else, I'll enjoy the drumline do their thing and bust out a beat and be all cool. But most of the time the music is so-so and the choreography is suspect. Not so with this band. They decided to make things interesting for the fans and I gotta give them credit for making a cool result for the effort.

Friday Funnies

The wife and I recently blew through all two seasons of Parks & Recreation. The show is great, but it's anchored by the character of Ron Swanson, a libertarian who runs the Parks & Rec department who loathes government. It's just fantastic that his mantra is his hatred of government that allows people to be paid for doing nothing, which is exactly his job. Comical.

Anyway, since he is one of the prime reasons to watch, here are some clips to prove my point.

Santa Fight Club

I know I'm rather "bah humbug" about the holidays. Look, I just don't get that worked up about them. Sorry, it's just the way it is. But a week ago when I was driving with the wife to run a few errands, NPR replayed a story they ran back in 2008 that just floored me. It's an appropriate holiday story because it deals with real santas. Well, real in the sense that these are guys who really want to be santa.

You see, there is a large number of grown men who have grown out long white beards specifically for the purpose of being santa during the holidays. So many, in fact, that they formed organizations about it. This story is about how the main organization (The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas – AORBS) was overtaken by a santa many didn't like, and a splinter organization was formed.

Trust me, this story has all the trappings of fine Christmas entertainment. The broadcast lasts about 27 minutes but I promise you will come away laughing and feeling good you sat back and listened to the goings on of a small sect of people whose only job is to bring holiday cheer to kids and families. It was so good the wife and I ended up sitting in the car just make sure we listened to the last 10 minutes because we didn't want to miss how it ended.

So go to this link, and skip through the first parts if you need to and the Santa story should kick in around minute 21. The get yourself a glass of eggnog, bourbon or whatever you want to drink and enjoy!

Idiot of the Day

This is another post from the Hawaii files. And, sadly, this one involves UK fans. Because I have to be honest, even my beloved state produces people that are idiots. Wait a minute, this is not news to me or anyone.

The UK-Washington game was a fantastic basketball game and naturally we had wonderful seats. The thing to understand is that the whole arena, save for a couple sections for the hoi-poloi, is open seating. Once they open the doors it's first-come, first-served which creates bedlam but for the most part it's all OK because it was mostly UK fans and once everyone figured out that there were no bad seats, people were courteous and friendly.

Until we ended up behind these jackasses. Sadly, these two dudes were a harsh reminder of what Kentucky can be like when you mix alcohol and idiots. These guys spent a large chunk of the pre-game and nearly the entire first 10 minutes of gametime screaming homophobic chants and generally making complete asses of themselves. It was bad enough that we, and the other fans around us, were lumped in with these guys (all made worse by it being a small arena where voices could be picked out all over the place). Then it was made worse when these two idiots got a three older fans (two women, even) to join them in the insult parade that further shamed me as a UK fan.

It was just disappointing as a UK to see people, especially these guys who seemed friendly at first, turn into raging idiots and complete mockeries and insults of my home state. Sure enough, there were fans from Washington and even louder ones from Connecticut the following night that were equally awful, and you expect it to some degree. Just hoped for something better while in Hawaii. Idiots. Just idiots.

Idiot of the Day

This is a post from the Hawaii files. I snapped a pic of this idiot as we were sitting down at Mama's Fish House to eat our Thanksgiving meal. Yeah, seafood on Thanksgiving, I know it sounds sacrilegious, but you have to be religious for that shit to matter to you. And I'm not, so I don't. Plus, it's Thanksgiving, and pilgrims would have had delicious seafood if they were in Maui then too. So there.

Anyway, back to this idiot's story. We're sitting there enjoying the appetizers when this moron and his lady friend sit down at the next table and he starts barking up a storm. And he has several arguments with her and the manager, so bear with me. First, he bitches that they aren't sitting in a window ocean view table.

Did he request one when making the reservation (yes, this place is that fancy that it's reservation-only and you can make all sorts of fun seating requests)? No, he did not. Then why did you think you could get one? Because I told the guy at the front desk that was what I wanted. Sorry, sir, but just telling him doesn't make it so. Did he confirm one for you? Well, no, but I want one. Sorry, sir, if you'd like to wait at the bar until one opens up in approximately 45 minutes, you are welcome to do so. But I'm already here, so forget it now.

Boy, I wish this was the end of this story, but it's not. Then he calls the manager back over again. Why? Because the menu is all seafood. IT'S CALLED MAMA'S FISH HOUSE YOU DIMWIT! It's in Hawaii. ON THE OCEAN. It's not called Mama's House of Pork or Ribs by the Ton. For another 3-4 minutes this idiot gets his voice all raised in a nice restaurant and bitches because there are only two non-fish items and they're both vegetarian options not meat options. I think the lovely server woman wanted to stab him with the tiny yellow umbrella in his mai tai. I would have understood.

What I've Read: The Big Burn

On my Hawaiian vacation, I was able to bang through one more book, a fantastic book called The Big Burn.

I read one of Timothy Egan's previous nonfiction title, The Worst Hard Time, which was about as depressing as it could get in terms of fully describing the hell a group of over a large swath of a nation could experience. Here was a fantastic account of the Dust Bowl, where in 1935 the largest dust storm in America history swept across the plains and laid waste to just about everything. It's pretty affecting stuff, reading about people and animals living and breathing dust and dirt for days and weeks at a time. Not the most uplifting tale I admit, but something that is worth reading.

Whereas that book dealt with a dust storm, The Big Burn deals well, as you can imagine, with a rather large fire. In fact, the largest wildfire ever, one that devoured a couple states and tore through a ton of national forests. More than 100 firefighters died, and towns (well, if you could call them towns since this was 1910 and cars were not prominent yet) were completely erased from existence. The book's photos and accounts are really powerful stuff.

Something that Egan does nicely is overlay the fire's beginning, middle and end with the story of two men who helped shape the forestry service around that same time, Gifford Pinchot and Theodore Roosevelt. He gives a nice overview of how both these men came to be friends and allies in somewhat creating the first real conservation movement in the United States, and also how they came to in many ways create the Forest Service. By weaving these two threads together, you get a cool picture of how politics and environment fought each other in certain ways and then helped each other achieve other end goals by almost sheer accident.

I'll gladly recommend this book to those who loved Worst Hard Times, and if you've read neither, these are fantastic books that give your insights into particular events in American history that shaped the larger course of politics and other issue areas well beyond their brief moment in time.

What I've Read: In Defense of Food

While I do allow myself the occasional dabble into the fiction realm, everyone by now knows my love for reading nonfiction, especially stuff that relates to food and to specific moments throughout history and their impact on the greater world or society as a whole. After reading The Omnivore's Dilemma last year, I knew I would have to commit some time to reading Michael Pollan's follow-up, In Defense of Food.

After the first book, he openly admits in the introduction that one could have been left rather depressed and confused about where to go with the food situation. Organic is good but how to trust it? Whole Foods is great but their owner is kooky and they are still a chain, so their demand and mercy is not always on the up-and-up. I still felt comfortable with where I was in my food decisions, but the book did indeed give me a little planted seeds of doubt.

Whatever small amounts of doubt remained were dashed by the time I finished In Defense. It just reaffirmed all the other information I have acquired. Pretty much kept me believing that shopping more at my farmer's market is the right direction for me to go; that I should continue to figure out how to grow as much stuff as I can in my backyard garden; that I will continue to shop at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, just as long as I avoid things that come in a packaged container. It's nothing shocking, I know; but when you reinforce those notions enough and reinforce good behaviors, soon enough it becomes the norm and you don't even think about going to the crappy Safeways and Giants of the world.

But besides that, the real key is just making sure I eat better and have a greater understanding of why eating these plants and unpackaged foods is the the way to go. Because I want to be around this mortal coil for awhile; and thankfully other people seem to want me to stick around as well. So eat well. Not too much. Mostly plants.

What I've Read: Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk

My trip to Hawaii provided me the chance to read a bunch of books in between UK basketball, golf, snorkeling and lots and lots of food. I've always been a David Sedaris fan, so when I heard he was coming out with a rather bizarre book of fables involving animals, I said what the hell and gave it a shot.

Gotta say, I was happy with the purchase. The short stories really are examinations of humans, but with animals substituting for us homo sapiens, it allows us to take a look at our own weird (over)reactions to certain situations and things that we may overlook in our daily lives. Issues of faith, economics, life and death all make appearances in these short tales, told through the words and actions of field mice, crows, chickens, rabbits and many more. The stories all come with cool little illustrations that help bring some whimsy to the readings.

I enjoyed the book, though I can say that you could probably save the money on the hardback edition and just get it on an iPad or Kindle or whatever. It's so short that paying the full price does seem kinda silly, since you can easily read the whole book in less than a day if you commit to it.

Fun with Basketball

So I learned about Taylor University, which for its basketball team does a weird tradition the last game before final exams. Seems the whole crowd remains silent until the Taylor University team scores its 10th point, at which time the crowd goes totally apeshit.

I love it. Sure, it's gimmicky, but it's better than being a punk-ass coach who has to wear a white suit to get people excited about their team, despite them being a traditional powerhouse and having won a few national championships (that kind of crap I expect from a low-level school, but then again, maybe that is UofL's sad mentality). But I digress.

Anyway, way to go, Taylor University students. I'd say it'd be cool for the UK fans to do this at Rupp during a game sometime, but considering how the lower bowl of Rupp is 90% packed with old farts already half-asleep, they've sadly already have that covered.

Game On: Week of Dec. 10

In this edition of my video game column I reviewed Donkey Kong Country Returns and Epic Mickey. Thanks to the Seattle Times for publishing.

Game On: Week of Dec. 3

In this edition of my column, I reviewed Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit, Kinectimals and Kinect Sports. Thanks to the Seattle Times for publishing.

Game On: Week of Nov. 17

Time to catch up on some columns from past weeks. In this edition I reviewed Call of Duty: Black Ops and James Bond 007: Blood Stone. Thanks to the Seattle Times for publishing.

Friday Funnies

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Mascot Troubles

Thankfully I can take a moment to depart from my normal head-bashing when it comes to Kentucky news and focus on Ohio instead. Not sure why I keep looking to Ohio (other than getting to nag at Kelly and other Cincy friends) when I clearly hate Indiana and Tennessee more, but so be it.

This past weekend in Cincy, it seems the mascot got into some trouble when it snowed during the football game and fans starting chucking snowballs onto the field when the opposing team scored. Honestly, you mix drunk college students and a stadium full of snow and their team getting beat, I don't know what the problem is, or how they could expect otherwise. It's college, people, get the hell over it. Plus, at least it's safer than in Mexico when the U.S. Soccer Team was getting pelted with batteries. Snow melts, batteries leave welts.

Anyway, apparently the dude who dresses as the mascot forgot to adhere to the announcements telling everyone to stop throwing snowballs. He kept doing it, and so the cops finally arrested him in a way the recalls an episode of Cops or the '68 Chicago Convention. Shit, it was just some snowballs, let's keep our cool. Though it is great watching a mascot getting arrested and pinned down.

Farewell to a Blog

My good pal Kelly is shuttering his blog. Read, and you'll understand why. It's been seven years for me, and I'm not half as able to comprehend reality as Kelly is; that's just the good dude that he is. It'll be sad to see his blog end, because we had good times trading barbs across the interwebs about the failings of our home states (now it just means I have to insult Kentucky and Ohio for the both of us, which shouldn't be hard), or sharing links or stealing ideas off each other even if we share the same five readers. Either way, it's just his blog that is ending, not our ability to have a few drinks and share in the good times like normal people do ... in person. Take care, dude, hope to see you soon.

Golf on the Island

Normally when the wife and I go to Hawaii, I try to squeeze in at least two rounds of golf. But since I was dragging the wife to three UK basketball games while on a Hawaiian vacation, I figured more than one round of gold would be pushing my luck. I know, I'm such a sweet guy, always thoughtful.

So I played my one round, at the best course I've ever played, Kapalua's Plantation Course. They play PGA events there every year, and so the course is always in pristine condition (though what in Maui isn't pristine?). This was my fifth time playing Plantation, and I always find that it brings out a good round from me.

I had a lackluster 2010 in the golf realm, primarily because I didn't play much at all; I think I squeezed in 7-8 rounds all year, so needless to say I was bummed about my 2010 and was expecting very little from my game and was just hoping to avoid complete embarrassment or losing a whole box of golf balls on the front 9.

No worries, though, because as I said, Plantation brings out some good golf in me. I hit some good shots, some bad, had a horrible putting day, but thankfully my long game and approaches saved me. I escaped with an 88, which felt really good. It included a personal highlight caught on video, a 386-yard drive on the 18th hole. Yes, it's downhill and the northern winds are at your back, but I don't care. It feels great to tee it up high and smash a long drive. I love the video of it, where if you listen closely you can hear one of the guys I'm playing with say I smoked it. Love it.

Friday Funnies

I'm a Weird Al Yankovic fan. Yeah, it's weird, but it's true. Ever since my mom and I cried laughing when his "I Lost on Jeopardy" song came out when I was a kid, I've always had a soft spot for his humor and parodying of hit songs. Let's just say that, had I decided against the jazz band at my wedding and gone with a DJ or a real band, I would have demanded this song be played.

Idiot of the Day

It's bad enough to be a Bengals fan. I know, I have like five friends who love the Bengals, and spending time with them on Sundays or talking to them about the Bengals is just heartbreaking. Makes me forget how bad the Bears are.

But it has to be worse to be an ACTUAL Bengal. Especially if you are safety Chris Crocker, who gets injured and is now out for the season. Come on, he's already in pain, don't pour salt on his torn ACL but abusing his name. Idiots.

You're Not Helping, Kentucky

Come, Bluegrass State, get your head out of your ass. You make me want to quit you.

Because apparently the Creationism Museum wasn't enough, now they need a roller coaster and funnel cakes to go along. Will one of the carny games be throwing asteroids at a stack of dinosaurs to "extinct" them? Guess not, since Jesus and his crew rolled with the T-Rex, after all.

You broke my heart, Kentucky. You broke my heart.