My Childhood, Bastardized

I have to admit that when I was a kid, I was a huge GI Joe fan. I had the firgurines. I had the cars and the trucks and make-believed my way to American military dominance of my backyard and my best friend Jason's attic. Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Gen. Hawk, Scarlett, Duke, Lady Jaye, Cobra Commander, Destro, Shipwreck and many more. Loved em all. Call me a nerd, I was 8 and loved the toys. Get over it.

Well last year they decided to make a movie out of the franchise. And it needed to be good, because it was live action and there was already a Joe movie that had some pretty messed up scenes for a younger kid to watch, the least of which was watching Duke get stabbed in the heart with a snake and tons of other classic characters messed up by some aliens and stuff. And the enemies are a race of snake people. I'm petrified of snakes now. At age 8, it was shear terror. Not cool.

Watch the clip. Love the crotch flying at me at the 43 second mark. Yeah, thanks for that, the whole movie suffers without it. Plus, the guy screaming "COBRAAAAAAAA" is probably making shakes at DQ right now. Plus, besides the hectic nature of that opening (in which 11 million explosions leave the Statue of Liberty unscathed), I love how Duke is able to fly a bomb about 8 miles in the air and escape all in 5 seconds (2:46 mark). Love it. Plus, wait for the credits to start rolling. Don Johnson? Burgess Meredith? Holy crap, poor Burgess Meredith. He was the Penguin for god's sake. Rough times.

Maybe that was a little too much information. I'm a dork, I get it. They are making a new GI Joe movie. With real people. Like Dennis Quaid. And one of the Wayans. And Destro, who for my entire life had a chrome head, is now just a regular English dude. Not cool. Needless to say, I am heavily concerned. And this trailer makes absolutely no sense, but I do love that the "French are pretty upset." Yeah, so am I.

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