Well done, sis ...

As the oldest child in my family, it would be easy to be stereotypical and rant on about how I am the smartest and best child in the family because I came first and yada yada yada. But I won't waste your time with that. That is not my style. Plus, you already know it's true.

My sister needs a moment of congrats here, however. When she was in college I thought she was nuts to major in what seemed to be 11 subjects (Chemistry, Education, Spanish, Beer Drinking, Cow-Tipping, Hating Me for Never Calling ... yes, that is a major at WKU). She kept saying she wanted to be a teacher, and even my mother-in-law who is an education consultant thought she was insane. My sister has a fuse shorter than Britney Spears' comeback, so the idea of her 5-4 frame taking on a bunch of rowdy high schoolers had a bad direct-to-video movie written all over it.

Well now she got all grows up and decided to take things up a level and this weekend she's receiving her masters degree in environmental chemistry. To say that the rest of my family is stunned does not understate it enough. We have no idea where she got all these smarts from. I thought getting a journalism degree was reaching for the sky. Listening to her break down the makeup of one type of soil or water sample from another puts me in a stare not unlike that of a deer about to be mauled by a semi. But I also can't deny that she knows what she is talking about. She's wicked smart when it comes to this stuff.

Luckily, while she's gained all these smarts, she's also gained a level of dork that is unparalleled in family history. Years ago she gave everyone wallet-size periodic tables. She has a periodic table shower curtain. She possesses a litany of really awful effing jokes where an element like boron or cadmium is part of the punchline. I don't know what to do with her. She may need to be checked to see if she's really related to me.

She's found a nice life for herself in Denver, and it's nice that she loves it. She's celebrating her graduation by going on a three-week jaunt to Spain, which she rightfully deserves. Have fun, Chels, don't get run over by a bull or run off with some leather-wearing guy named Ricardo who rides a Vespa and likes sangria. He's probably got the hep.

Yes, she does drive like a blind octogenarian on crack. And she has a naivete that makes me bang my head against a table. But then again, she's my sister, I love her and she's got more degrees than I do. So I guess that is worth something. Congrats, Chels. You earned it.