Fuck You, Grapefruit

I grew up in a pro-breakfast household. My favorite for all time is bagels. But since I cannot always have the best bagels on the planet (from the bagel shop down the street from my grandmother's in Jersey), I decided a couple years back to go total opposite and eat healthy for breakfast.

So for the first year or two I ate a banana every day. About 10 months back I got tired of bananas and started mixing it up. Mangoes for awhile, peaches, apricots, pineapple. All good things. But since it's winter, most fruits are not in season except citrus. Oranges are good for juice, but not for eating. So my wife in her infinite wisdom suggested I go for grapefuits.

I like the juice, but have not eaten them much. Now, I loathe their existence on this planet. Seriously, no food item has ever had it in for me like the grapefruit. They are impossible to peel. On Monday and Tuesday, I did the traditional "cut grapefruit in half and scoop out each mini wedge" attack on the fruit. Huge mistake. Several co-workers passed by and snickered watching as I turned that fruit into more of a mushy soup. I even lapped one wedge into my lap. One of them mentioned that she had better success peeling the fruit and cutting it lengthwise like they serve at restaurants. I thought, what the hell, let's give that a shot.

Gargantuan mistake. I looked like Corky trying to play baseball (which is a little bit like me playing baseball). Juice was flying all over my desk like a T-Shirt blasted from one of those air cannons. I at last gave up and tossed the thing. I have one grapefuit left at home, and unless the wife can prove to me otherwise that this can be salvaged, I'm going Gallagher on its ass.