Vegas Observations, Pt 1

OK, so it's going to be hard to properly recap my entire trip to Vegas, but I need to at least share some random thoughts and experiences that were had. I know this is going to take a bit of space (I'm a long talker and get a bit winded) so be prepared. Here's a brief rundown of the major players in last week's epic trip:

Me: You know me. Avid gambler. Lover of life. Vodka and tonic cravings.
Luke: Former roommate. Broke. Likes small boys. Ok, scratch the small boys part. Cool guy. That much is true. Also, terrible fantasy football player.
Sean: Loves poker more than life itself. Scary, but true. Married. Is 145 years old. That fact is in question. He just acts that old sometimes.
Matt: Barely know him, but only as the assface from my fantasy football league that we all like to pick on who we love to hate. Works for UBS. Is a Republican. I think that pretty much tells you all you need to know.
Caesar's Palace: Where we crashed for the weekend and site of most of my sports gambling.
Wolverine: Yeah, the Hugh Jackman character. There's a Wolverine movie coming out, did you know that? You will by the end of these posts. They sure slammed the point home hard.

And now, onto the random thoughts and observations from my trip:

>> In the bathrooms at the Paris Hotel and Casino (a great spot for sports gambling and watching, though Dan hates it for some unknown reason), they have French lessons piped through the intercom. Only it's not typical lessons like, "Hello" "What time is it?" and stuff like that. No, the lessons they pipe in are more for the discerning French student. "Is that an eclair in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" "Shit, where did I misplace my wedding ring?" "Your dress is lovely. It would look lovelier on my hotel room floor." This is the kind of stuff they were teaching us. Don't say the casinos don't give you every tool at your disposal to try to get laid.

>> Actually, if you are looking to get some action, it's best to be a woman in Vegas during March Madness than a dude. Holy crap, there were like 2,000 men for every one woman in Vegas. It was bad. Normally you walk around Vegas each night and you cannot help but notice all the women dressed to the hilt hoping they will get let into the trendy clubs and dance halls I would not be caught dead in. But during March Madness, we all remarked that the normally super hot women must have stayed in LA, because they weren't there. It was a bummer from a pure Whore Watch 2009 viewpoint.

>> Speaking of hot women, we did have a celebrity sighting. And no, while we did see former UK star and father of 900 babies Antoine Walker kicking it in Caesar's, that is not who I am talking about. And I have to admit, had it not been for the wife constantly watching this crap show, I would have never been able to pick Holly Madison (of Girls Next Door fame) out of the crowd at a burger restaurant. She was remarkably shorter than I thought she was (shorter than me) but I cannot deny that she was pretty hot. Even for an ex of Heff who ditched him for the Cris Angel jackass.

>> Fellas, trust me, you are not impressing anyone with the half-undone silk shirt rolling craps with one hand and dangling a cigar in the other. Especially when you sound like you are a high school dropout from Indiana. I don't care if you cashed in all your savings so it looks like you have millions in chips in front of you. You are not cool. I repeat, you are not cool. Furthermore, one way to piss off everyone and ensure that you won't make money is to be a gargantuan dick and try to dictate play at the craps table. This asshole yelled at the people he didn't want to have the dice and then accosted the drink lady and cursed out two older guys for rolling 7s. This kept up for about 25 minutes until everyone kept passing him the dice and betting the Don't Pass line. Worked like a charm. I was only watching this happen, but it looked like fun.