My Cooking Space V

So now the kitchen is beginning to quickly resemble the scene in ET when the feds took over Eliot's house. Luckily when I walked in there was no one in the biohazard suits to greet me. So no X-Files moment for me.

We had to get the kitchen floor refinished because there was a problem with the floor where some of the old cabinets and fridge were located. So that put us behind a tad, but it allowed our contractor to put up the pseudo-hazmat plastic walls and make the kitchen more or less out of commission for a day or so.

All of this is in bigger preparation for Saturday when the new fridge and washer and dryer show up for installation. Nothing like getting rid of old, outdated models and bringing in some new, energy-efficient ones that give me happiness in my heart where the eco part of me lives.

Friday Funnies XXIII

Tomorrow night I am going to see Jerry Seinfeld live at the Kennedy Center. Looking forward to it. It will be the third time I have seen him live and he never fails to deliver. So in honor of going to see him in person, here are a couple clips of funny jokes of his that I like.

My Cooking Space IV

Just like the Grinch's heart, the hole in our wall has grown three sizes today. Ok, maybe not, but it sounded funny.

So now the hole itself has been created, and we can just shut everything down and start celebrating.

Damn, don't think I'm getting away with that one.

OK, so we still have a long way to go. But it's amazing what a difference that hole is creating. I was worried that when we were originally sketching things out, it just didn't seem like the opening was going to make a visual difference or that it would end up being more of a distraction. Happily it's not like that at all. I can sit on my couch and see all the way into the dining room and almost beyond that, which is pretty cool. It doesn't tie the whole room together like say, The Dude's Asian rug, but it's got potential.

My Childhood, Bastardized

So before I rant about the latest film incarnation to ruin a piece of my childhood, let me celebrate that one film from my younger days remains intact. Seems cooler heads have prevailed and that Zac Efron has pulled out of the Footloose remake. For the time being, one of the best movie montages ever is safe from bastardization.

That elation aside, it's back to railing against Hollywood's inability to let good things be as they are. As anyone who has watched the Olympics now knows, another bastion of 80s horror is being remade. This time, it's Freddy Krueger. Seems Robert Englund's seminal work was not sufficient enough, and now they have to remove him from the franchise and start anew, and this means a whole new Nightmare on Elm Street movie.


A Nightmare on Elm Street Trailer 2 in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

Man I'm pissed. It's bad enough that they are making the film almost a shot-for-shot remake of the original. Trying to take an 80s sensibility and make it relevant 25 years later is just a tad stupid. Plus, no one is going to beat Johnny Depp in one of his first roles ever. I mean, that bed scene is still one of the freakiest things I have ever seen and no kidding scared the crap out of me for days when I first saw it.



Although I must saw it'd be hilarious if they remade that scene but kept Depp's character watching TV in 2010 on one of those 12-inch, 50-lb tube sets. That'd be sweet.

Anyway, I'm just pissed. Elm Street had all the bad acting and teenage nudity and creepy gore that only the 80s could properly provide. This new film will end up making lots of money, like the worthless, piece of shit Halloween and Friday the 13th remakes did, and they'll just move on to destroy something else. I'm just waiting for Jaws to be remade or something else classic like that. What a waste.

My Cooking Space III

Break on through to the other side.

Came home to the beginnings of the hole. This isn't the hole in its entirety, there is still more of it to make (it will probably double in length). Above is the view from the TV room. To the right is the view from the kitchen. Things got a little more complicated when one of the ventilation sections was discovered to be running right through where we wanted the hole to go. So we have a slight delay as we bring back the HVAC people to do some quick surgery on the vent and move where it runs. Oh well, it's all part of the experience.

At the very least, I am looking forward to firing up the grill for the third night in a row to cook dinner. That is a much better alternative for dinner than burritos form California Tortilla, which was our staple the last time we went through a kitchen remodel.

Boom Goes the Dynamite, 2.0

For all you sports fans out there, no one may ever top the famous Boom Goes the Dynamite guy. If you've never seen it, shame on you, and go watch it now. Anyway, this guy doesn't top Boom, but he comes awfully close.

My Cooking Space II

The carnage in the kitchen continues. Tonight I came home to find my oven removed and a hole on the other side of the wall. Nothing too crazy, but it's fun to see a huge hole where my bookshelf once sat (the bookshelf frame is still there because we're getting it cut down in half and rebuilt to fit under the wall so we can recycle the product and not have to buy a whole new bookshelf.

The most interesting aspect to come of today's developments was that a funny thing happened when looking at the new hole. You see, the TV room in the house was an addition, something one of the previous owners did about 15 years ago or so. I know two things about construction, Jack and Shit. So I kinda giggled when I saw that the old exterior to the house is still there. Don't know why that makes me laugh, but for some reason I figured they would strip the exterior tiles and insulate or put something else up or do something, anything. Just weird, is all. Hopefully they didn't trap anything like a possum or something when putting up the new wall. Now that I wouldn't be laughing about.

Game On: Week of Feb. 11

My column from two weeks ago. I reviewed BioShock 2 and Fast Food Panic.

My Cooking Space

What the ?*$%^!?&?

OK, relax. I wasn't robbed. Although when I first walked into my kitchen and saw the microwave and cabinets gone, I wondered if that is what it would look like.

Alas, we are remodeling the kitchen. And the process began this morning.

We saw this coming, but not this fast. We thought it would start around late March or early April, but last week our contractor said the job in front of ours got bumped and we were now first in line. This sent the wife into a torrent of stress I had not seen since the last time we did this when we remodeled the kitchen in our old condo three or so years ago. It was crazy stress then and since this is the first house, well, don't get me started. It's not possible to quantify.

Luckily, we're not going whole hog like we did last time. With this remodel, we're just attempting to open things up a little more. We're knocking a hole in the wall (the beginnings of which are in the photo above), getting a new fridge moving some cabinets around to make way for a pot rack to create more open space. This project is really about getting things the way the wife wants them so she won't murder me because nothing fits in our tiny-ass fridge. If I can accomplish that task, I think I'll be happy. And at least I won't have to sleep with a machete under my pillow.

I'll post more updates as this process goes along. We'll be in this dusty, tool-ridden hell for about a month. That gives me plenty of time to accidentally get my finger crushed by a hammer or lick some asbestos.

Idiot of the Day XII

I've had a hard go of it lately with my laptop. I've been overworking it and I blew out the hard drive. No big deal, just take it into the Apple store and get it replaced. Well, if only it had been that uneventful. After getting the new hard drive, I sat there for a little bit longer to reinstall some software and make sure I didn't run into any problems with licensing and all that usual computer crap. That is when the fun started.

First, the guy on the left showed up with a Mac laptop circa 1998. Damn it was old. Anyway, he was having troubles with his battery, Internet and processing. So the same Apple Genius who is helping me fires up the guy's laptop and starts going through some basic questions. Turns out the guy is ice and open about, "Well, I'm really having trouble running Limewire and getting movies and music off the Internet."

Let me just say, that is not the way to open the conversation. I'm not going to get into the morality/legality of stealing music off the Interwebs. I do it all the time, and I'm fine with it. But it's the way you go about it that is bad.

Simply put (and the Apple guy gave him the near death stare when saying it), "Limewire is the worst possible thing you could do to your computer. You need to get that off there, now." And he's not saying that just as an Apple employee. I used to use Limewire, until I read more on it and found out how it completely fucks your machine to all hell.

As the Apple guy was helping him, up sidles the girl on the right. And wouldn't you know it, she's having trouble using the Internet and her computer crashing all the time. Apple guy fires up her laptop, and before he even gets into his "Have you tried turning it on?" speech, Limewire automatically logs in and starts trying to download the some Rascal Flats album. "You see? It's just sitting there not doing anything. I can't get it to download anything."

I thought the Apple guy was going to gouge out his eyes with a USB cord. He stopped both of them and said, "Look, I get it, and trust me, I get some of my music on the sly as well. But you can't keep doing this. Limewire, the way it's built, will destroy your machine and you'll be in tech support hell for years if something bad happens." A little dramatic, yes, but the point needed to be made.

He even gave them some helpful tips on how to better steal music off the web (hint, it starts and ends with the word torrent). What a nice guy.

So the lesson of the day: Come up with better excuses to get techies to fix things, people. Moments like this are funny, but when it's you, you won't like it when strangers are right next to you and pay attention. And have a blog to make fun of you about your idiocy.

Friday Funnies XXII

One of my favorite TV shows of all time is Newsradio. Look it up on the wiki. It was awesome. It had perhaps the most underrated cast of all time:
Andy Dick
Joe Rogan
Dave Foley
Stephen Root (as Jimmy James, a man so nice they named him twice)

and then my two favorites:
Maura Tierney: She was one of my first TV crushes. I single-handedly watched every season of ER once she joined the cast just to see her. I think I've seen just about every movie she's been in also. Don't ask, it just is what it is.

and then the irreplaceable and unforgettable ...

Phil Hartman.

I miss this guy. He was always one of my personal Simpsons favorites as Troy McClure. And his character on Newsradio (his last TV role) was just awesome. He gets the clips for this week.

First, cold representin Rocket Fuel:


Then, quitting smoking:


Or when Bill gets put in charge of the office and acts like a badass:


I miss this show. What greatness it was.

Game On: Week of Feb. 5

Here is my column from a couple weeks' back. The games I reviewed were No More Heroes 2 and Dark Void.

Friday Funnies XXI

Tonight begins one of my favorite television programs ever ... the Olympics. I love the Olympics. More importantly, I have been convinced for the last for years that if I could get some of my buddies to buy into it, I really think we could kick some serious ass in Curling. I've been a Curling fan for ages, and I think it's the mix of strategy and it being a game that is really a gigantic version of shuffleboard. And my friend Douglass and I kill at some shuffleboard. Dan and Kelly aren't slouches, either. Which really makes me think that with a minimal amount of effort, we could kill it. The US Team that won Silver four years ago had only been playing Curling for a couple years and had full-time jobs working at Home Depots or some shit, so lord knows I could find the time to kick some ass and rule the family gatherings when I stroll in with an Olympic medal around my neck.

Anyway, in honor of the Olympics starting tonight, here is a clip of a classic Monty Python sketch of the Idiot Olympics.

Idiot of the Day XI

Normally I try to keep the Idiot of the Day posts to people I run into through my travels and work and whatever, but this time I gotta go bigger. This time, I'm pointing out the idiocy of someone who has been there and done that more times than is worth counting, but nevertheless always goes the extra distance to show they are at the top of their class when it comes to being pure idiot.

I give you Sarah Palin.

In case you were overwhelmed by all the snowpocalypse news, the Tea Baggers (I mean, Tea Partiers) had themselves a little get together over the weekend in Nashville. I'd be more open to this tea party movement if it weren't being so overrun and co-opted by the GOP, which wasn't supposed to be the point. But when you are talking about a group of people who are more 98% white and pissed off about anything that doesn't involve being white, well, that is the GOP's bread and butter, so of course they are going to take it over and turn it into another mouthpiece alongside Fox News.

The big draw for the Nashville convention (with a packed house of 600 people, mind you, which is half of what the annual Photoshop Conference I attend pulls in) was Palin, who gave a riotous speech and did all the Obama bashing she's known for and provided zero solutions to anything other than just bitching about how awful things are in this country. I could have cared less, except for the reports that Palin referred to the palm of her left hand during the Q&A session.

Turns out the idiot had a cheat sheet written on her palm. It had three notes on it: "Energy", "Tax" and "Lift American Spirits." The phrase "Budget cuts" was also there, though the word "Budget" had been crossed out. What kind of leader needs to write shit on the palm of her hand, least of all writing down the three main fucking talking points of your party? You can read more about this over at the Post, but it's clear that she is a grade-A moron and I am just continually stunned that Republicans take her and Beck, Gingrich and others seriously. Let's remember, folks: She needed a cheat sheet to remember three prime talking points of her political party (which she apparently is one of the leaders) all to impress 600 people in a Nashville convention hall. Maybe she'll pull a Emmett Fitz-Hume if she gives a keynote at Republican National Convention.

Game On: Week of Jan. 28

Here is my column from a couple weeks' back. The games I reviewed were Mass Effect 2 and Guitar Hero: Van Halen.

Snowpocalypse: Sledding Birch Street

While Snowpocalypse continues to paralyze greater DC, there is some fun to be had. Two streets over is a street that has such a large hill that the neighborhood blocks it off because it is too dangerous for snowplows to try and get up and down. The side bonus: with 2 feet of snow, it makes for one helluva hill to sled down. And it makes it doubly fun when you have a dog to pull you down and pick up some extra speed. The first video is one of my trips down. The second is of the wife.

What I've Watched: Super Bowl Ads

I remember when watching the Super Bowl ads used to be one of the highlights of the night. Companies pay millions for the airtime because of all the eyes that will see them. About three years or so ago the ads started sucking. Last year, they were not great at all. Last night, they were downright atrocious. It was bad enough that they showed no creativity whatsoever. Add in the fact that they were nearly all so blatantly misogynistic (and I don't care that the target audience is men, that is not a good enough excuse anymore), it got to the point where the commercials were getting uncomfortable to watch after awhile. I'm only declaring one commercial worthwhile:



It was funny in certain moments, actually had a point to it that made sense (besides buying Bud Light or Doritos), and it used a remake of a Cheap Trick song that I used to like (which I also destroy on Guitar Hero). Watch the other ads below if you wish. And don't even get me started on the Tim Tebow ad. He's a jackass. That ad made no sense and after watching it again, whatever message they were trying to convey I think gets totally lost. In the end, it looks like a Match.com ad (if you were looking to hookup with a mom). And I think an ad that stupid only makes me celebrate a woman's right to choose that much more.

Idiot of the Day X

It's Snowpocalypse here in DC, and now that the power is restored, it means that with no leaving of the house possible, a lot of movies and TV are being watched. And I'm sorry, but no one, NO ONE, ever needs all-you-can-eat pancakes. Ever.

Friday Funnies XX

Some of the best comedies on TV actually start in Britain and work their way over the pond. Many already know that The Office was originally a British show before it became a U.S. one. But you may not have known that other classics like All in the Family, Sanford and Son and Three's Company were also originally British shows that were ported over once their success was legitimized. A new series I have been watching over the last year is The IT Crowd. It's about two nerdy IT techs and global company whose new boss is a woman who knows two things about computers: jack and shit. Anyway, the first several seasons are on Netflix. I highly recommend checking it out. In the meantime, here are a few clips that are pretty indicative of what the show is about. Yes, I am a computer geek.

War. War Never Changes.

As you all know, I play a lot of video games. A lot. And there are always the big-top releases that get everyone all worked up and excited. Well, this is one of them. And thankfully, I am not alone. Because I know my boy Kelly will be ready and willing to continue his lurker lifestyle and preparing for the apocalypse by studying everything in this game. That, and I know he played about 300 hours of Fallout 3, including the expansion packs, so this game is right up his alley if there ever was one.

Game On: Week of Jan. 20

Here is my column from a couple weeks ago. The games I reviewed were Army of Two: The 40th Day and Vancouver 2010.

You Know Who I am Blaming

So I am on Day 2.5 of being sick. I hate it. I'm sneezing like there is no tomorrow. My nose is running so much I have no chance of catching it. Ha ha ha. Yeah, even sick humor means something to me at this point. But it's awful. I've got projects out the wazoo to work on and about a 3-minute attention span before my head starts pounding and I sneeze again and chase after my nose. So that is not going well at all. My goal is to get healthy by Thursday because I got Luke pa Duke coming into town Friday and gotta rally for when he is here. Oh, and before I end this, you know for sure who's ass I am blaming for me being sick. I almost wish I had to gall to go to work while sick that way I could find that bitch on the train and cough and sneeze all over her.